Infatuated (hsau)

chapter 56.

°°
I'm sick and I'm tired too
I can admit, I am not fireproof
I feel it burning me
I feel it burning you
I hope I don't murder me
I hope I don't burden you
If I do, I do
°°

Harlow Dean

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't absolutely terrified over what Harry's about to confess to me, but it looks like it's been eating away at him ever since he woke up so I know that we really do need to talk.

All I've been thinking about since he woke up is him telling me he ruined my life before we even met because I can't understand how that's possible. I'm also not quite sure I want to find out either.

He looks so scared and distraught, I've never seen him like this and it's really worrying me.

When I sat down next to him he grazed his fingers over the tops of mine until his hand held mine. I felt him squeeze my hand as he let out a sigh, running his other hand through his hair as if he was deep in thought.

"Harlow I have a lot to say..." he says, eyes focused on the ground in front of him, "you have to let me tell you everything before you react, okay?"

Now I am nervous.

The fact he was holding my hand so strongly yet staring at the ground as if he couldn't bring himself to look me in the eye saddened me. I've grown to really care about him and it makes me upset seeing him so lost inside his own head.

I nod my head at him, urging him to continue but the second I do that he throws his head back and whispers out a little 'fuck' under his breath.

A few seconds pass of him looking like he's contemplating everything and he decides to compose himself and shuffle further away so he could sit and face me properly. His eyes stared into mine and it was then that I realised how difficult this is for him, I don't know if he's done this before.

"I'm just gonna talk..." he says, biting the skin in his lip in confusion.

"Okay." I smiled, trying to reassure him that this would be okay, although I don't really know that it will be. "I'm just gonna listen, I won't interrupt."

...unless you say something crazy, because then I probably won't be able to stop myself but I'll try.

"I erm... I used to be a dealer." He admits, "Not anymore, I just buy drugs from Louis for myself now."

He said it so casually, as if buying drugs from Louis is something we all get up to in our spare time. It's not the healthiest of habits he has, but I'm not gonna just his coping mechanisms when mine have probably been equally as bad at some point.

Same but different.

"I lied to you the first time we met, our deal wasn't because I wanted to look powerful dating the woman who owns the best club in the city." Harry swallows.

I dread to imagine what the real reason is.

Maybe he placed another bet on me like the one he did where the gang that owns the fight gets to 'keep me'. This might just be some sick game I'm trapped in and maybe everything between Harry and I has been fake.

Actually, I'm getting ahead of myself.

Stupid, mentally ill brain.

He reached forward, grabbing both of my hands and tossing his head to the side like he was in so much distress. I know how awful it can be opening up to someone for the first time, especially when that's something you probably haven't done much of. So no matter what falls from his mouth, I'm gonna try my best to be mature about it and do my best to reassure him, because it looks a lot like he needs it.