Teach Me How To Live -~Zen Wistaria x Reader~-

Acceptance.

No one did ever find me that day till I walked out of that room. It was late afternoon by then. Everyone thought I had run off to stop Dominic alone but really, I was cowering in my room just like old times.

It felt like those old days. I'd have to go on another mission soon. I'd have to kill someone again. God, I don't even know how many different lives I took by now.. That massacre, I killed so many men. I dont know a single one of their faces.. I remember the fear I felt. I remember the fear i felt before all my missions. I remember all of it yet I don't remember anything after. Just the pain and fear. To think this was all caused by one nan..

"Where have you been? Zen's been worried sick!" Shirayuki found me.

"Sorry.." I whispered and continued to walk to the door leading outside. Still just in that night gown covered in dirt and mud, not even wearing a pair of shoes.

"Where are you going? Zen is in his office.." Shirayuki asked but I couldn't talk anymore. I just didn't feel the worth anymore.

How does one accept the fact they'll soon lose everything and everyone they've ever loved before going back to a lifetime of mental and physical torture? This is my end.. if I block it out now, I'll feel better..

As I walked, I had many pass by me and stare. No one said anything to me. I could hear their whispers. They said I used to be strong..

I know im pathetic.

I went to the forest inside the castle walls. Well, it was really that maze I had visited with zen once. I couldnt find my way around it to the swing.. I had been walking in circles for 15 minutes getting more and more frustrated till I finally broke. My voice left out a sigh of defeat quickly while my harded facial expression broke into total sadness and desperation.

So I sat down in the dirt and mud in the middle of a maze I couldn't escape.

I cried for so long. The sun had set and the cold night air blew in. It was so dark and cold. I cried out. I cried like a baby. I was completely broken. I've never felt this in my entire life. Even when I thought everyone was gone and I was alone, I had hope. But now.. There is no hope. There's no future. There's no further life I can live. It was silly of me to think I could have love. To think I could hold, and nurture it into something life long. It was stupid to think I could have my family or even create another.. Now so many are hurt. Obi, dad, my siblings, Zen.. We will never win. I've hurt and killed so many over selfishly wanting to live a life full of love. Now I have to go..

I cried into my hands louder than I had ever before. There's a feeling of embarrassment usually when you cry but not now. Not anymore. Now I deserve the right.

I cried till my head spun. I cried till I was found. First it was dad and obi.

"N/n.." Dad called with that old nickname while obi came right to me. He checked me for injuries before hugging me tight.

When they saw me crouched in the dirt covered in mud, they saw nothing but a girl in a dirty night gown swarmed in horrible memories. They saw the scars. They saw the blood and saw more than sweat and tears. Dad came and held obi and i. I cried while the two most important people in my life held me tight not knowing what to do. I had never brokered down like this in front of them. Zen maybe, but never them.

They helped me up. Obi carried me on his back out of this maze and to safety. I had my head down. My knotted hair falling over my face pressed against the back of obis shoulder. I didn't speak nor did I move. They brought me to Zen. He was more than worried for me. I was limp as obi handed me off to zen at his quarters.

"Shes worse than when she left alfin.." Obi spoke quietly as Zen held my limp body in his arms. He sat on the edge of his bed while I was resting in his arms. I cant even pick myself up anymore. I don't want to speak or move or even breathe.