The smell of smoke and curiosity

~The past that haunts us~

It's been a long time since I thought about the past and since I thought about my maker. The man that ruined my life, thought he was doing me a favour by leaving me in that asylum he wanted a ripper and he got one, but the worst part wasn't even the fact I had killed countless people that day, or that my humanity turned bitter, the worst part was that he left me, all alone. 

He had never introduced me to the other vampires he talked so fondly of and I never found them, for centuries I searched but never found a soul, so I walked this earth believing I was the last of my kind and it became exceedingly lonely, I became like a sad old man too harsh and full of anguish so that when I first met Willow I wanted to push her away and not let her into my life.

But before I could do any of the sorts the scent came, when we first met and she sliced her hand on the bottle of wine, the blood it perceived its way into my province and from then on I knew she was the one. At first, I thought it may have just been the red wine causing me to overthink as Cassius never believed in it he merely said he heard it was true, but I sure did as it was the only thing keeping me on track at that time. I had to be certain it was her, so one night I snuck into her room, and just stepping through the balcony the scent consumed me and made me drop to my knees, so alluring and from that moment on I knew I had to have her. 

It was true, all these years the hope I had dreamt of, that I had wished, prayed for, was real. Except it made me wonder if I could have her, if she felt these same feelings and if she would accept such an abomination of nature like me and even if she did it's not like we could walk into the sunset together I'd surely perish. So now I'm back home all I'm doing is sitting and wallowing in self-pity, wishing I could have met her as a human and I could have asked her on a date. 

I would have taken her to a field filled with flowers, I would have made us a picnic to feast on packed with strawberries, a cheese board, and some wine as I know she loves all of them things and we would have laid in the grass, picking shapes out of the clouds, laughing to each other about something ridiculous I said. She would have liked that, and so would I, but I guess we all can't get what we want in life, I should stop seeing her but I can't, but I can't give her the things she might want later in life or the things she may want now. This relationship was doomed from the start and I shouldn't drag it on, but I believe I may have fallen for her, and the least I can do for the both of us is let it play out and see where it takes us.

I wonder what would have happened if we never met, would she of just been a brilliant writer who got married to a doctor, had some kids, and lived out a happy normal life, or would she of been that girl that was murdered by her ex-boyfriend because of some revenge plot he twisted, maybe if I hadn't saved her that day she may very well of been dead and maybe she was better off dead than with me. I don't want her to become like me, I didn't even want to be this way so she isn't exactly going to be jumping at the very thought of spending an eternity with me. 

The hunger can consume you, and change you in ways you can't begin to imagine, I recall the time I got out of the asylum after all that bloodshed and still I felt nothing, no remorse, just the call of the hunger, once you tap into it like that it becomes extremely hard to stop. It took many years to finally start feeling something again and it began in 1914 shortly after the first world war broke loose, I was terrorizing the streets of France, spilling innocent blood everywhere I walked when I came across a small family huddling in a bunker praying for it to be over, at first I took no pity on them as I just glared upon them like food just thinking to myself I'm doing them a favour, and just before I made my move on them, preparing to strike like an animal with its prey, one of the smaller children looked up at me, she resembled my little sister, how I had forgotten about my dear family in my dark pit of rage. I had suddenly remembered, that I wasn't an animal, that I too was just like them once, huddling with my family and praying for another day with them. 

My life sure was exhausting. After moving away again I taught myself restraint, I learned to stalk, eat and leave them alive, animal blood no longer does it for me. I don't want that for her, she doesn't deserve that, not now or ever. I'm unsure how much longer I can endure this, I want her so deeply but the monster inside is trying to get out, trying to claw its way to the surface and make her his eternally. Maybe I'm just being possessive or making excuses as to why I can't confess but all I know is that her life would be much better without me. Amid my thoughts my phone buzzes snapping me back to this period, Willow, I smile at her name on my phone I can't help it. 

Willow: Hey are you still up? I just wanted to check on you because of the conversation we had earlier. 

She's making sure I'm alright when it is I who should be checking on her. 

Dante: Of course I am, and I'm fine thank you, how are you? 

Willow: I'm okay, I was wondering if I could come over to your house at some point to talk about some things. 

Well that's worrying, maybe I had frightened her earlier, or maybe she wants to break it off and why am I panicking, I shouldn't panic this is a good thing, she can live her life in peace and how she wants to, so why does it feel like all the butterflies in my stomach just died.