Jyesht's strife for kinship (A Karna-Arjun what-if story)

The common link decides to leave

Karna's pov

Karna stood for a long time, gazing in the direction his little brother had disappeared.

There was nothing he had anymore to justify to himself that he was doing the right thing.

'There is nothing I can do' did not appear convincing anymore. He guessed it was because before, when he had thought of his choice, he had thought of how much he would miss his brothers. He had not considered that he would be breaking their hearts, too.

Not even in his wildest dreams had he, ever, dared to imagine he mattered to Arjun enough to make him cry. He had always known he loved Arjun. He had even known Arjun liked him pretty well and loved spending time with him. But he did not know Arjun loved him.

Karna knew, then, he could stand losing his brother no more than he could stand losing his friend.

*********************

When he went to the Pandava quarters, he was greeted with cold, unwelcoming gazes.

"Can I--can I talk to Arjun, please?" he asked Yudhishthir. 

"He is not here. What do you want with him, anyway?"

"Just wanted a word..." Karna looked at his oldest anuj, who was looking at him like he wished him the worst. 

Yudhishthir never looked so animated with anger even when he spoke to Duryodhan.

"Don't go to Varanavat," Karna blurted out. "Don't--don't put up anywhere that has not been built by your men."

"What?" said Yudhishthir blankly.

Karna turned and left; it dawned on him that he did not even feel guilty. 

Going along with his friend's insane plans just because he was his friend was simply the act of a brainless idiot. He would not willingly be a brainless idiot.

*******************

He looked all over the palace for Arjun and failed to locate him. Then he ventured out into the streets and walked and walked and walked. Eventually, he found himself in the wooded area he and Arjun had lit up the sky for the villagers' entertainment and then fought off the rampaging ogres.

Arjun was not there, but Karna still spoke like he was, pretending his brother could hear him.

"My anuj, Arjun...ever since the day I found out the truth, a part of me loved you, even though we were rivals, and I had lived a large part of my life hating your existence. I wish I had known, then. I wish our mother had not been quite so...so much of an escapist. I cannot wish Duryodhan had never come in my life, but I do wish I had not spent so much of my energy hating the person I should have loved--and do love--more than anyone in the world.

"I would give up almost anything to have another year like the past one with you. Unfortunately, the thing that I need to give up is the only thing I cannot give up. But I cannot stay here and watch you cry, because then I will keep crying too, every moment of the day.

"What is the point of that?"

*****************

There was no answer.

******************

Karna took a final decision.

He could not not choose either side, so he would not choose at all. That would be better than hurting any one of his friend or brothers.

A year back, he used to have a normal life with his parents. Maybe he could have it again.

*******************

Losing both, he realized, would be easier than losing any one and be reminded of the loss every day.