[p o e t r y]

What's (Whose) Missing

If you had asked me
Yesterday
I would've said
I was terrified
To graduate
Because graduating means
I'll likely never see
Or speak to you
Ever again.
I won't bump into you on campus
I won't have the hope of
Seeing you around the GC
And I sure won't have class with you weekly
Anymore

Graduating
Means losing the boy
I had loved since freshman year
All over again,
This time for good

But
If you were to ask me
Tonight
I would've said
I'm so ready for us to graduate
For you to leave
And to never have to see you again
To never have to bump into you
To speak with you
To have that horrible sense
Of self awareness
Every time you're in the room

Tonight we had formal
It was my first formal
Without you as my date
And I was nervous before I even walked in
But you weren't there
And I was fine
I was dancing
And singing
I'm my little black dress
With the high slit
And I was happy
Single and dancing and with my friends
For almost 2 hours

And then you showed up
And for the last thirty minutes
I felt as if
Every eye in the room was on me
When no one's were
I simply caught sight of you
And my energy plummeted

It's like I want you to see me
And notice me

I want you to want me back
But to be honest
I'm not even sure if I'd want you back
At this point
... but maybe I do

Really though
I just want you gone

I think
I'm finally ready to move on
I'm okay being single
I'm okay if someone is interested in me again
I have a crush
I could see myself making a move

I'm not ready to date
I'm not ready to move on I don't think
But I'm ready to start
Moving on

You make that so much harder though
Seeing you in places
We used to enjoy together
Dressed in outfits
We used to wear together
Knowing that this time
We don't get to go home together
Is so hard

So many parts  of me
Want to seek you out in a crowd
My eyes want to linger on you
My mind can't seem to stop
Thinking of you
Even my body aches to be by you
Sometimes
As it used to be

I catch myself smiling
Proud of you and your friends
And that confuses me
Because you're not mine
To be proud of anymore

I don't hate you

I do fear
I'll never stop loving you

Most of all though
I just wish you'd leave.
I'm tired of bumping into you
I'm tired of
Not being able to move on
I'm tired of clawing my way
Out of this feeling
Only to catch a glimpse of you
A word of you
Or a memory with you 
And suddenly
I'm shoved back down the tunnel
I've clawed out of

I'm ready for you to graduate
So that I never have to see you again
Not because I don't love you
Because I still do
And I fear I may always
But because I'm tired of seeing you
Of thinking about you
And of fighting not to love you
And somehow
It's easier to be okay by myself
When you're not around
To remind me
What's missing

12/02/33