Afternoon (Jay Park Fanfic)

Chapter 30

July 2020

So the long nights have been longer than long. I'm not complaining but watching him buckle down to be able to get this album out in time has been inspiring. I think my favorite so far has been him trying to include me when he can.

He treats me like a taste tester for the music, asking me for my opinion whenever he wasn't sure about something.

And I keep him fed since I don't have shit else to do. So we've also started doing some at work workouts because even the gyms are shut down.

Doing everything we can together has been really healing. At least that's what our therapist says. I'm not saying I don't agree but our therapist said, "I think it's great that you try to include her in anyway you can. Based off of what you've told me, distance was a huge part of your issues in the past. Grace, is it true that you felt neglected?"

"Neglected might be a bit harsh but yeah, I did feel like he was being distant because he was always doing some form of work." I shrugged at the woman on the computer. We started couples therapy almost immediately after we decided to be together. We knew that our newfound happiness would not last with our track record and that we needed outside help.

"It was just always something he had to do or oversee and while I understand that this is what I signed up for, I guess I just didn't know what it would all entail. And that's caused a lot of issues."

"It's good when you're able to pinpoint where you think you went wrong. It creates a path to forgiveness and healing," she replied.

I nodded, holding Jay's hand in both of mine. I took a deep breath, "We always had issues because of his job but honestly it got worse after I had the miscarriage. It felt ... I-" I choke up a bit, remembering that painful time. "I felt alone as if I was in this by myself... as if no one but me cared... I couldn't protect my child... my womb was the safest place for her— and I couldn't bring her to this world safely. So the issues I had with Jay about work just got worst. He looked like he was doing just fine while my world was falling apart. He was at work, a work dinner, a work party, work work work and I just couldn't take it anymore, so I ran away. But I realized that leaving this man was the worst possible mistake I could've ever made. I love him dearly and I wanna this— us— work."

"Okay and Jay, what about you?"

"For me, I didn't feel like we were doing that bad. She's the jealous type, so there have a bunch of times where she would accuse me being with 'the bitches' as she likes to call them. But we always moved passed it until the next time we argued. Which wasn't very often. The thing is though, I didn't mind the accusations too badly because it meant she cared in a way, ya know? Like she would get so riled up at the thought because she loved me just that much, and she knows I'm sexy, so of course the ladies would notice," he chuckled as I popped his hand.

"But forreal, I loved knowing that she loved me as much as I loved her. That's why when we found out she was pregnant, I proposed. I had already been thinking about it but that sealed the deal. I wanted us to be a family so bad but then she told me no, which wasn't the end all be all... but she had the miscarriage and my happy life came to a full stop. We were no longer happy... hell, we weren't anything. She was a mess— she locked herself away in the guest bedroom. The guest room felt like a prison cell, that would only unlock from the inside, and Grace didn't wanna be freed. She didn't talk anymore. She didn't smile anymore. Worst of all, it felt like she didn't love me anymore," he squeezed me as tears fell.

"I was broken but I couldn't fall apart because I had to be strong for her. But there was nobody there for me. I was a train wreck waiting to happen but I still had a job to do, I still had to take care of my family and nobody was gonna take care of me. I couldn't let anybody see how broken I was because I had shit to do and nobody was going to do it for me. I couldn't just mope around the house. I couldn't even stand staying in the house, that place became suffocating for me. My baby died in the room where I lay my head and the love of my life's spirit died with it... I couldn't stay in there, so I occupied myself with work as much as possible. But then our issues got worse. I stayed out for whatever work reason I could, drinking my sorrows at every work related party. But that became a real problem for us. Her accusations became more serious... her jealousy no longer felt like love, it just felt evil, like the love had been sucked out and she truly believed I would cheat on her. She didn't know but she was breaking me. We couldn't grieve... We couldn't heal... We were just roommates that were drifting apart... it was to the point that she left to go back to America in the middle of the night. Everything came to a boiling point when she came back... I couldn't hold back. It was only then that I told her how I really feel about losing the baby."

"Jay, why did you wait so long?" She asked, writing on her clipboard.

"I didn't wanna cause her more stress... I'm the one who saw how her face lit up when we found out she was pregnant. I'm also the one who watched the horror on her face when we discovered the blood that night. I saw it all. My girl was broken and all I could do was watch over the shell that had become my girlfriend, walking on eggshells as to make sure I didn't shatter what was left."

"But being so cautious and careful of her made you neglect yourself and your own feelings. Do you recognize that?" She continued writing , letting Jay ponder the question.

"It didn't feel like I was the focus," he admitted.

"You guys went through something tragic and traumatic. And you both coped in different and unhealthy ways. Grace, closing yourself off after something like was the worst possible thing you could do because that was when you needed people the most. You may have thought nobody would fully understand what you went through but the person you're sitting beside went through the exact same thing with you. And Jay, bottling your emotions for the sake of someone else is dangerous. Because one day you will explode, though it feels as though you now know this first hand," the therapist explained.

My face was wet with my tears as I turned to look at Jay, "I'm so sorry. I'm sorry making you carry such a heavy burden by yourself and not realizing that we were going through the same thing. I'm sorry for not being some you could lean on and for not trusting you enough as someone that I could lean on."

"I'm sorry for letting you be. I should've tried to find us help after it happened. I feel like shit knowing that you felt like you were the only one grieving. I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough..." he returned.

I hugged him tightly, hiding my face in his shoulder blade, "You were more than enough, I
I'm sorry I didn't make easy."

"This is great guys! I think we should wrap it up here for today."

We agreed, thanked her and said our goodbyes before ending the zoom call... the new way to life.

It truly felt like we in the best place we've been in months. Spending time together, having open and flowing communication, healing and grieving together. We've turned over a new leaf and it feels so good, I hope it never ends.
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We've hit over 1000 likes!!! You guys are amazing, I love y'all so much ! This story made it to # 3 on the AMBW list and I was speechless. Thank you for giving me the best birthday gifts I could ask for! I'm glad so many enjoy my musings. Anyhooooo y'all know the drill, let me know what you think! Until next chapter -K