Silently In Tune (COMPLETE)

Ten: Study

Corvina Maxwell

He sat in my house, on a chair across from me as I had my notepad.

He studied me.

"Is this a professional interview because it seems like it." He said and I smiled.

"No. No recordings, just concepts so I can visualize your internal process. That sounds terribly weird but it's hard to explain and you know what I mean." I said and he gave a soft smile.

"I know."

"May I ask, what kind of anxiety do you have? Some people are just anxious, some people are socially anxious, and all of that. What's yours like?"

"I have abandonment problems. I have an obsessive fixation complex. I get claustrophobia around people. I can't really handle physical touch that I don't give first. All of them contradict each other but they remain." He said.

"Whats an obsessive fixation complex?"

"Uhm... an example, when I was 10 I learned to play guitar at my fourth foster home. This occurred right after I was adopted and then given back." He rubbed his jaw.

"I became obsessed over the guitar. It had to come everywhere with me, I had to hear it, the strings, I had to play it, I was addicted to it. I fortunately was able to fixate more on music in general and that's how I came to be who I am." He said.

"Is it just objects?" 

I scribbled small notes I knew I'd forget later as I'd remember the larger stuff.

"No. People." He chewed his cheek.

"Have you experienced that?"

He eyed me. Took a deep breath.

"Yes. I could tell you what it looks like for me?" He prompted.

"Okay."

"It's a fixation. It consumes me. Everything that person is interested in I have to know what it is and why they like it. I need their voice, I have a fear I'll forget how it sounds. I need to see them on a regular basis, memorize their face in fear I may forget even one detail." He took a breather, ran his tongue over his lip ring.

"It's absolutely an obsession. But typically it's also based on lust and positive emotion relating to love. Therefore I have an interest to touch them. I want to know how their skin feels. The rough parts, the soft parts. It's very... elaborate. And the more time I spend with that person, it forces me to grow separation anxiety and that's where my abandonment fear comes in." He rubbed his hands on his jeans.

"When I get that way I'm very possessive. Making the person sound more like an item than a human. Logically I know right from wrong but emotionally, I get easily triggered if I'm not the only thing that person is thinking about or if they speak to anyone I don't know." He then met my eyes and I nodded.

"I imagine it's scary to be out of control then?"

"Absolutely. But I'm also very in control." He retorted.

"Do you have dark thoughts? It could be about people, about the specific person you feel that for, anyone?"

He smiled.

"Of course I do. Doesn't everyone?"

"I suppose."

"The difference between people and the person is the person gets a much less violent reaction. I'm a violent human being, Corvina. Unfortunately I was conditioned that way and it was something I had to fix when I got to the age where it just couldn't be the answer to everything. With the person it's a lustful discipline." He informed me.

"Certainly. Is the lustful aspect just passion or-"

"What I'm talking about involves my anger."

"Oh." I paused, my mouth dry.

"Can I ask what that entails?"

"I don't think I'd wanna steer you from me, babydoll. I enjoy your company far too much." He murmured, almost a tease.

"I know but I have an idea and it is something I'm visualizing about you physically." I had it in mind.

"Stillness. Silence. Submission. Whether it's choking, hair grabbing, spanking, or pinning I expect those three results. It's a mental game with myself. I have to understand the person may not exactly be up for that." He said.

I hummed.

"You talk like you have so much experience which I find so intriguing." I scribbled some thoughts.

"I know what I want. I know myself." He said.

"Going back to anxiety, is there any way to help you feel less anxious?"

"Music. The person. That's it."

"Is it like an anxiety that makes your stomach hurt?"

"No. I just can't focus on words. People talk and I'm not listening. It's a cloud of blurry pictures and I am just in it. I am restless but only around people do I get the aching in my stomach." He said.

"You ordered for me a week ago at the place."

"It's a gentlemanly thing to do."

"You didn't like it."

"Not at all."

I nodded.

"This is a personal question for me." I said and he nodded.

"One day could you play and sing Safe Inside by James Arthur? I love that song a lot." I said.

He gave me a gentle smile.

I took that as a yes.

"Thank you." I whispered.

"I have to go to a stupid interview TV show. But I'll call you when I'm done?"

"Sounds good." I said and he stood, I followed and walked him to my door.

When I opened it for him, he cupped my chin, kissing my forehead.

"Bye doll."