Beastmen in Modern World (Beastworld+Apocalypse)

1. Fat Old Ugly Shut-In Otaku

Warning:
Suicidal thoughts. Not for everyone.

Tap tap tap..

Every swipe of the phone brings happiness to my decadent life.

In an old dark room, only the screen of the phone could be seen. Garbage and takeaways were scattered everywhere, and a weird smell of dirty laundry on the side.

This is how I've been living after I've experienced a big blow in my life. From a cheerful young adult to an embarrassing waste.

When I was young, I used to think that I'll be someone amazing in the future. I used to think I'm pretty. Used to think all the people around me likes me. I was full of innocent positivity.

Suddenly, One day I woke up with realization that I'm really not as special as I think I was. My face wasn't that pretty, and my genes were not that great.

Laughing bitterly to my self, muttering in my heart.

Yes. Before I was born, I was already meant to live a life of ordinary. Poor, average, unnoticeable.

Friends and colleagues focused on their lives.
Family expectations, I couldn't reach.

I found a job I really don't like. Worked hard to perform well, but in the end, bullying still happened.

I slowly shut my self in. Cut all communication from the world. Deactivated all my accounts and feared going out in public.

It's embarrassing if I meet one of them. I look haggard and extra fat. I smell nasty and my teeth turned yellow long ago.

And what if they ask me what my current job is? Can I say I'm jobless and expect them to not look down on me?

Almost thirty in half a year. No house, no car, no insurance and savings.

Sometimes I pity myself,... but I know it's my fault for being weak-hearted.

If only I pulled myself out of the comfort of my closed room's door, then maybe I'll be someone like them.

Hah..I want to fix my life, but I don't have motivation.  It feels safer in my room anyway, safe from mocking and their judging eyes.

I should just die.

What do you think is the reason why we live?

People will continue to forget us anyway.

Even 20, 30 or 50 years after death, the people who knows us would die one after another.

Then eventually, the people who knows them will die too..

It's an endless circle of wasted efforts.

Struggle, Die, Forgotten, then repeat.

Why should I try hard to live when I'm aware of this cycle?

If only....

If only I am happy, then it doesn't matter if I'll be forgotten after death.

At least I'm happy while I live..

If only I am not me..

•••

I scrolled down again to read the last Chapter of my favorite Manhwa [Hareming Beastmen in Apocalypse]

It's a story of a poor and ordinary female lead called Celestine Orla who became a beautiful golden cat shape-shifter after mutation.

It talks about her hareming journey, where she managed to get 8 husbands because of her beauty.

One is a big boss of the base, one is a powerful villain, then four members of the most powerful beastmen team she joined in. Added the remaining two hidden characters, the harem is complete.

Even one of those is a golden thing, what more eight? Who wouldn't envy her? At least I would.

It's a (+18) story, so even though I still have no experience, I could say that I am now very knowledgeable since I've read this stuff multiple times.

•••

After reading the word  finale  at the bottom part, I got stocked in my little world again.

Anxiety. Overthinking. Depression.

I wanna die..

Desperately wanna die.

Then maybe I'll get reborn and start over.

Regression is also okay, but I'll still look ugly.

I want to die, but I'll give my family a trouble if I committed suicide.

Should I just run infront of a driving car?

Never mind. I'll give trouble to the driver then.

Hah.....

I slowly put down the phone in my hand, then closed my bloodshot eyes tightly.

It's already 6:43 am, it's time to sleep...

This is my daily routine. Dull, meaningless, worthless. When the world spins and the people strives hard, I'm sleeping.

When the world started to darken and the people prepares to sleep, I remain awake.

I love the loneliness of the night. It makes me calm and pushed all my anxiety away.

I love darkness of the sky, it hides my ugliness from judgements of the world.

I wish when I woke up, I'm not me anymore.

At least I want to know how it feels to be pretty.

To be loved, to be cared about.

Even just that, I'll be happy.

Really really happy..

•••

I'm sinking.

I'm sinking deeply in my sleep.

My body is slowly turning cold, and breathing slows down silently.

I should feel fear, right? I should struggle desperately,

But no, I actually feel relieved.

Did God pity me at last?

Hehe. Thank you so much.

As I felt my heart stopped pumping, and air stopped flowing, my mind is wide awake.

Emancipation!

This is freedom..

•••

I was still enjoying the tranquility of nothingness when a strong suction force pulled me in.

I want to struggle away, but there's a voice inside me who keeps on telling me to grab it.

Grab it hard..then I would be happy.

Thirsty, greedy and desperate for possibility, I stopped my struggles.

I don't know how long I was flowing until my mind went blank...