As someone who greatly struggled with dissociation this hits right at home.
For those who don't know what dissociation means:
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(Not D.i.d btw)
Please read with caution. ⚠⚠⚠⚠⚠⚠⚠⚠⚠⚠⚠⚠⚠⚠⚠⚠
Johnnies Pov:
'Breath breath breath'
I repeat to myself I my head over and over and over.
I was having a panic attack.
It was around 2:30 in the morning.
I felt so bad.
I didn't wanna wake Jake up.
I didn't want to cause him problems.
We were moving out in 12 days and moving has been super hard.
I know it will be worth it cause I'll be with Jake but still.
Moving can be a big process.
Shit.
I feel blehhhh.
Like.
Dizzy.
No. fuck. Dammit.
I zoned back in.
Jakes crying in front of me on his knees pressing a towel on my thighs.
Theres blood all over my hands and thighs.
I must have cut myself while I was disosiated.
The cuts stung like lemon juice to the eye.
Poor Jakes crying.
Wait.
Jake?!
"Holy shit, Jake, holy fuck, i- I I uhm i-" I stand up from the floor quickly, tears forming in my eyes.
"Johnnie! S-stop it, please! " Jake says standing up and freaking out.
"I-i, when? I- what? I-im so confused" I stutter out tears falling.
Jake pushes me gently back to sit on my bed and he sits down on his knees in front of me and presses the blood stained towel on my thighs.
"Damnit- fuck johnnie- jesus." Jake says worried as hell.
Jake then runs out of my room and comes back in with a handful of bandaids and a bottle of something.
He opens the bottle and comes near me, dropping the bandaids on the bed then taking the towel and pouring the liquid into it and then pressing it on my thighs.
My breath hitches at the sudden added sting.
"I know-how i-im sorry, it's okay Johnnie I promise, My Love it's okay" He says wiping away at the cuts.
"I'm sorry Jake, I'm so sorry, I'm really really sorry" I say my voice being broken up by my crying.
"No Johnnie don't say sorry, please i-it's okay, tell me what happened..please, Johnnie" Jake says moving the towel away and grabbing a bandaid.
"I-... I don't even know, I don't re... Remember doing this" I say choking on my sobs.
"It's okay, please breathe, it'll be just fine, Johnnie" Jake says attempting to calm me down while placing so many big bandaids on the cuts.
I was just in boxers.
This was so fucking humiliating.
Soon enough jake covered them all.
He grabs my blood stained hand and walks me to the bathroom helping me wash my hands.
He held my hands gently and looked at my eyes.
"Johnnie. Tell me what you remember" Jake says moving my bands out of my eyes and willing away my tears on my cheeks.
"I was.. Freaking out... Panicking over the move and... That's all I remember. I Disosiated and then you where there and I... I guess I relapses while I was under disosiation. " I say, my breathing slowing down calming down at Jake's touch.
"Tell me, what can I do to help you right now? Tell me anything and everything, Johnnie." Jake says placing a hand on my forehead to check if I was sick or burning up.
"Just stay near me" I say slightly slipping into Disosiation again.
"Hey- hey, Johnnie I'm not going anywhere. Let's go to my room, we will sleep there tonight okay?" Jake say holding my face in between his hands.
"Yeah." I say blankly.
"I'll carry you" He says picking me up carefully, me wrapping my legs around his waist and arms around his neck, his hands under my thighs and walking me to his room.
I rest my head on his shoulder blinking slowly trying to recollect my thoughts.
He sets me on 'my' side of the bed and covers me up, then turning on the fan to a low setting, he crawls into bed with me and wraps his arms around me.
"I love you, I hate seeing you like this." Jake mumbled out.
"Dont ever leave my side.. Your all I have" I say turning to where im now laying on his chest, and he's moved his arms to rest on my lower back and on hand in my hair.
"I'd never leave you, your my best friend." He says, kissing my forehead.
"Friends don't do what you just did.." I say lowly teasing to try and get over what I just went through
"We will talk about that in the morning, try and sleep. I love you" Jake says cuddling more into me
"I love you, Jake." I say signing and relaxing into his touch.
856 words
My eyes are blurry, I wrote this whole thing and my eyes started to go blurry in the middle of it, they re still blurry, I thought maybe I forgot to blink but I still can't see.
