Exit Wounds | Noah Sebastian

T H I R T Y F O U R

I stare at my reflection in the mirror.  From my even skin tone, perfect contour and bright blush, to  my perfect cat eye and soft glam gold eyeshadow and long fake eyelashes.  My hair was curled and pinned and tucked.  

I look for a long time, trying to find me under the heavy makeup and hair.  I am there of course, the makeup didn't change me, just enhanced me a little.  I sip my champagne, I can't look away from myself.  

"Your soul is going to get trapped in that mirror if you don't look away," my mom calls from behind me, breaking my mood.  

I wasn't somber exactly, this was the happiest day of my life after all.  I both felt Finn's absence and his presence at the same time.  Of course his body wasn't here, but I felt his spirit in the room around me.  It gave me peace when I would be nervous otherwise.

"I can't help that you did such a good job that I can't look away," I grin at her over my shoulder and turn away from the mirror.

There was a knock on the door and Sage stuck her head in, "I have a delivery from the groom," she calls out, shaking a stack of letters in her hand.

Tears immediately prick my eyes and the back of my throat burns, I remember the day we were laying in the backyard together talking about our time apart.  That day he told me he had written me letters.  I didn't believe he would actually let me read them, though.

Sage hands me the stack and I look at the both of them, my mom and Sage quietly stand up and exit the room.  My hands shake as I flip through the stack, my name written in a messy scrawl.  Sometimes my full name, sometimes just Laney.

I pick at the envelope on top, unsure if this is a good idea or not.  My makeup was perfect, I didn't want to ruin it and I knew these letters would ruin it.  Finally I tear into the envelope, hissing when the thin paper cuts my finger.  I suck the pinprick of blood from my finger while I scan the first letter.

Delaney,

I just wrote you.  I left a letter on the counter in your apartment.  I won't be there when you get home and it kills me.  The way I left like that.  I fear we won't get a do over, because I already know in my heart you aren't going to go for the long distance relationship I proposed.  I know I'll never send this to you, but I might not get the chance to say it so I'm going to say I love you now and hope I can stay away.

I grab a tissue and dab at my eyes, trying to keep my make up in place as I unwrap the second letter.

Laney,

We just finished our first album, we are going to put it out into the world in a couple of months and there's only one opinion I care about.  Yours.  And I know I won't get it.  I know you tried to be my friend for a little while, I know it was hard on you, but god I miss your voice.

The tears fall in earnest now, sliding off my face and landing on the silk of my slip dress.  I don't care that it will ruin the fabric.  I didn't want to see his pain on paper, knowing I was partly to blame for our separation.  I shake my head, because our time apart didn't matter.  What mattered was us, here and now.  I press on, opening the next letter.

Delaney,

I haven't seen you in a year.  Well, that's kind of a lie.  I stalk your Instagram every night before I go to bed, just to make sure you are doing alright.  I read every blog post and when I text Finn I ask about you, because I can't stop myself.  But I haven't touched you or taunted you or smelled the coconut of your shampoo when you reluctantly hugged me.  It's been a year too long, and I wonder if I'll ever get over you.  I don't want to, if I'm being honest.