𝙉𝙊𝙏 𝙒𝙊𝙍𝙏𝙃 𝙏𝙃𝙀 𝙎𝙃𝙊𝙏| 𝙋𝘼𝙄𝙂𝙀 𝘽𝙐𝙀𝘾𝙆𝙀𝙍𝙎

𝙏𝙒𝙀𝙉𝙏𝙔

KAIA JACOBS

Bacteria, archaea, fungi, protists and viruses are what make up the human body. We are a bunch organisms created into glorified atoms and particles consisted of fibres and cells.

With every breath I can feel it travel down my frontal sinus to my oral cavity surpassing my larynx into my trachea and there it stops. Stuck in my pleural cavity my inhale fails to relinquish itself from my dying body.

I try not to think of it like that. The built up bacteria in my body as it spreads to growing viruses that will eventually and inevitably kill me. Slowing down the course of my veins my blood cell count, blocking any dose of oxygen from entering my body. We are just organisms portraying humans as we attempt to not die with day to day.

I hate the way I think, half of the time i'm convinced these thoughts don't belong to me. Intruders that enter my partial lobe as it slowly eats the insides of my cerebellum.

I wonder if the anxieties of death has finally faded into the vagueness of my memories stored deep within the depths of my mind. That I have finally accepted a fate of failure and misfortune.

Truely, I owe everything to my family and friends who have to sit and stare at a hollowed skeleton everyday. Watching my internal organs scale off the shell of my bones as I decay into dust. I'm loosing myself from everyday. Wondering how i'm going to get through the next in a wary daze.

Sometimes, when i'm happy. I think it'll last forever. That the brimming in my smile and the eruption of butterflies in my stomach are permanent. But when I return to my dorm, laying in my bed with eyes to the ceiling it leaves almost just as quick as it came.

There's only a minimal of things that make me happy. I've conducted this list over the many years of my living and cut down on each one as it no longer becomes something I find joy in. Sadly but surely the list has dropped to 5 things.

1. Emma
2. Paige
3. Soccer
4. A small portion of my teammates
5. alcohol

Family used to be on there. But after a while conversations seemed forced, smiles are plastered. And the words I love you only come out as curtsey. Seeing them are manners. Not something I'd willingly choose to do.

I wonder if Paige will soon regret getting involved with me. Being friends was easy, she didn't need to know a lot of stuff about me. More of the surface of my persona. But know it feels like there's more to unpack.

With time I know she will get sick of me. Sick of the poisonous thoughts that trail my mind, that will soon intoxicate her until it is intolerable.

Emma is the only one that really knows how to handle and navigate the system of my being. Only because she's seen every side of me. Maybe her being friends with me is a chore rather than her being my friend my choice. Though I know if I asked her this aloud she would hit me and say i'm stupid for even thinking that in the first place. So the thought scrapes my mind.

Paige had set for us to hang out exactly at 6pm. Her attempting to 'ease my mind' from the stress shes picked up on. Stress that I may soon cause her. It's selfish to keep her when I know I could be worse for her. But I truely do like her, a lot. And the thought of letting go hurts more.

I'm sitting at the pillars of the jetty we had agreed to meet at. I had arrived exactly at 5:59pm. I had expected to wait for her for at least 10 minutes or so but to my pleasant surprise she came only a minute after me.

She is so beautiful. I genuinely don't know how someone could be formed with such natural perfections as she possesses. It's borderline envious, but more admirable than to be jealous.

"Hey," Paige presses a small kiss onto the temple of my forehead. Wrapping a loose arm over my waist as she pulls me in closer.

I can tell she senses the distance in my demeanour. I was sitting right beside her though my mind couldn't be further. Dissecting every penetrative thought that seemingly pierced my skin into goosebumps amongst the lukewarm heat of the air.

"You okay?" She turns her head to face the side of mine. Pained to meet her eyes as mine soon pool with frightful tears. Unable to contain the emotions I had repressed to avoid this moment. This moment where she finally meets every layer I had thickened.

"I'm sorry," I reply out of breath. Concern drawn on her face as she brushes my hair out of my eyes, using her hands to turn my head to meet her gaze, blue eyes softening.

"There's nothing to be sorry for." Her thumb gently caresses the side of my face. Warm hands heating my cheeks as she pressed her smooth lips into a small grin.

"Paige, i'm a virus. Everything I say and think doesn't feel like my own. I am slowly loosing myself and I will tire you out." Words treading out of my mouth faster than I had anticipated. Though she only holds me tighter. Her smile failing to falter as she just stares at me lovingly.

"Kaia, you aren't anything of the things you believe. There is nothing you can say or do to make me hate you or get tired of you. I'm so proud of you. And I never want to let you go through anything alone." She presses a feverish kiss onto my lips. Gentle and delicate. Holding me into her arms as she lets me wet her shirt with stained tears that overflowed my eyes.

Finding comfort in her grasp. Releasing the closested demons that were clawing their way out of me. A sweet sense of relief that I find in her presence.

With Paige, conversation isn't forced, smiles aren't plastered they are made. And seeing her isn't out of manners it's out of willingness.

author:
ok after this we'll get into like
the actual good parts