Throne of Glass and ACOTAR Crossover (complete)

Chapter 42 - Feyre

Emerging from my winnow on the steps of the house of wind is the strangest feeling. Everything looks the same, everything smells the same, but somehow everything has changed. Or maybe it hasn't. Maybe that's what's so strange. The whole world has fallen apart, but somehow this place is still the same. 

I can hear Rhys and Mor on either side of me. Both of them staying quiet, waiting for my first move. I am in control here. I wish I weren't. 

Finally I take a deep breath and stretch out my right hand. Rhys takes it, gently, and holds it. I don't know if he knows that I'm using him as an anchor, as a reminder that this is real. I don't know if he knows that his touch is reminding me that I can be forgiven, that my family doesn't have to hate me. I don't know if he knows that he is a reminder that I still have a long way to go before I am deserving of that forgiveness. I don't know if he knows any of this. Maybe he does. Maybe that's why he's letting me squeeze his hand so tightly that I'm sure it must be hurting. 

Or maybe he just doesn't want me to let go. 

Whatever the reason, I am glad for the touch as I walk, ever so slowly, through the door. 

The inside of the house is quiet, but not a comfortable quiet. Not a happy kind of quiet. It's the kind of quiet that means that something horrid is about to happen. Or already has. It's the kind of quiet that falls in the aftermath of a battle, when there's nobody left to make noise. It's the kind of quiet that means that everybody is dead, or that everybody has stopped fighting. It's the kind of quiet that's worse than a scream.   

I can feels Rhys' tension in the way his hand has  clenched in mine. From my other side Mor whispers "It's been like this for days. Everybody's still alive, still fighting, but they've as good as given up. I've been trying, but.."

She trails off. Another pang of guilt hits me square in the stomach. 

Rhys closes his eyes, then opens them again. He squares his shoulders. "Are you ready Feyre."

I nod mutely. It's a lie, mostly. I don't think I'll ever be ready for this, but now is as good a time as any. 

Rhys strides forward and pushes open the door to the dining room. I bangs against the wall, a jarring noise against the silence. The sight that meets my eyes is even worse.

There's a map spread out on the table, a huge thing with small markers all over its surface. Surrounding it is my family. But they don't look like my family anymore. Cass is tired looking, his face dark with exhaustion. Az is even worse. It looks like his shadows have wrapped around him, making him almost a shadow himself. Elain's face is swollen and red, fresh tear tracks still shimmering on her cheeks. Nesta looks as if she's half present, her fierce eyes empty and dead. And Amren. Amren looks as though she's being eaten alive from the inside. There's nothing on her face, except pain and despair. 

They look like a group of the dead.

None of them even look around at us. They don't seem to have the energy. "Did he eat this time Mor?"

Cass' voice isn't hopeful. It's like he thinks he should ask, but already knows the answer. 

"Technically, no." Mor says. 

"What does that mean 'technically'?" It's Amren's voice this time. 

"It means that though I did not technically consume food, the answer to your real question, is he being reasonable again, is yes."

At the sound of Rhys' voice there is a ripple of movement, as 5 pairs of eyes immediately whip around to look at him. And once they see him, they can't fail to see me. 

The heavy atmosphere is gone immediately. Suddenly the 5 corpses before me are 5 living people. 5 people who have a reason to care again. 

Elain actually screams. There are questions and tears and voices all layered on top of one another. Then there is somebody flying at me. 

My reaction is unintentional. I scream, and through myself backwards, so fast that I land on my ass. And suddenly there is a stone hard curtain of air between me and everybody else. 

There is silence again, but it's different than before. Rather than despair, it's laden with confusion, and hope, and life. In the quiet I can think again, and I pull back my power. I stand, slowly, carefully, and look at them all. 

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to do that."

My voice is soft, but it carries in the quiet. Looking at the scene again, without panic clouding my vision I can see that it was Elain running at me. There's a question in her eyes, and a joy that hits me like a slap across the face. I shouldn't have the power to bring someone this much happiness, or this much sorrow. 

"Feyre?" It isn't Elain speaking, but Cass. The delicate tone of his voice catch's me off guard. 

I don't know what to say. I wish Aelin were here. I wish I hadn't had to leave her, but she's reuniting with her own family. I couldn't get in the way of that. Thankfully Rhys speaks up. 

"She's alive, she's here, and she will tell you what happened when she is ready to. Is that understood?"

There isn't even an argument. Nobody asks, and nobody pushes. They all just smile. 

"Thank the mother you're alive." Amren says. 

Elain wipes the tears from her face. "I missed you." Then she goes back to her seat at the table. 

Rhys walks over to take his, and I follow him. I can feel the questions hanging in the air, but nobody asks. 

A bubble of gratitude and love burst  in my chest, sending a feeling of warmth throughout my body. I look around at the faces before me, all rejuvenated, all smiling. 

I don't deserve them, but right here and right now I am making them and myself a promise  - someday I will. If I have to walk through fire, if I have to bring down mountains, if I have to die for it, someday I will. 

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