The Inceptive Flame⎪✓

❨27❩

♀︎

As Relly and Dani debate over which reality show is the most beneficial, I try my best to collect all my fleeting thoughts into one. Dani and I agree that Relly deserves to know, so we have planned this girls' night in the hopes that my mind can muster up the courage to tell her. It's not easy to let someone in like that it actually makes my heart pound roughly in my chest, but she loves my dad as much as Dani does, it's only fair to tell her. 

"Dani, honey, listen," Relly says, clapping her hands together to prove a point. "You can't cry over Wipeout, but my dearest Love Is Blind, now that is the true shit."

"Why would you even want to cry?" Dani rhetorically asks. "It doesn't make any sense, Wipeout is funny as fuck."

"Being funny is not 'in' anymore, drama and love are, you need to follow the times."

"I am! Wipeout has been here for years now, they are still funny. Love Is Blind is a pathetic attempt at reaching the viewer's soul, but NEWS FLASH, humans don't have souls!" Her reasoning isn't what it could be, but who am I to judge?

"Yeah right," Relly scoffs. "Now what is the next thing you will say? That aliens are real?"

"They are," Dani says and crosses her arms across her chest. 

"Guys, do you not think this fight is a bit unnecessary?" I ask and both of them scream 'no' at me at the same time, holding my hands up in surrender they keep it up. 

"I thought this alien thing was a phase, but you're still keeping it up," Relly laughs. 

"Oh, you will be laughing, alright. Once they rid the Earth of humans and take our place."

Blocking out their arguing I stare at the tv, we are watching Love Actually. None of us have seen it before, and with my mind being elsewhere right now I'm still not catching on to the plot. People say it's good, so maybe I should try to watch it someday. Just not today. 

These past two weeks really did fly by in a blur, almost every teacher called me up after class to hear why I'm zoning out and if I am okay. The usual response constantly left my lips, that I'm fine. Even though my dad began coughing up blood and slime on last Tuesday and has been ever since. My mom came home drunk six times, but I didn't help her. I only made sure that everything was clean once my dad came down. 

My dad and I know his time is coming, the hospital wants him to come back and admit himself, because they can dull the pain. He wishes to die at home so badly, but he can't deal with the pain anymore. He asks me for help and I don't know what to do or say. I asked the hospital if they couldn't just give him the medication at home, but that is a service that costs a lot, so my dad declined. 

I know he is at home right now, hoping for Them to take him to heaven. It feels wrong of me to be hanging out with Dani and Relly, but he actually shoved me out of the door, like a physical push. Apparently he isn't happy with me for skipping school and not seeing my friends, but my priorities aren't with school or my friends. He is all I can think about. 

We are already halfway through March and by June I'm done with High School, he needs to be there when I graduate. My heart can't handle graduating without my dad there. That is too unfair on all of us. 

"Kota?" Dani breaks my tormenting thoughts. 

Ignoring her I look straight at Relly, "I need to tell you something."

She sits up in alarm, probably seeing the serious expression on my face. Dani says she has been wondering about why I'm sad all the time, why I backed out of cheering. This is a good thing, me telling her is the best thing for me and for this friendship. 

"I haven't told you earlier because I barely know how to feel myself, my mind is constantly a jumbled mess and I mostly feel like sleeping all the fucking time," She nods in encouragement for me to continue, so taking a deep breath our eyes meet. "My dad is sick, Relly. It's not only a flu, he has cancer, stage four. We are trying to get by at home, he is so strong and tries so hard at being his happy self, but the pain is slowly tearing him down. The doctors have given up on him, still, I can't help but to hope for a miracle."

Her big blue eyes are watery and this is what we expected would happen, she is very emotional, her feelings are always sitting on the outside of her clothes and it's okay. As she raises from the couch and sits down next to me, I pull her into a hug where she cries on my shoulder. 

"Zach doesn't deserve this," The whimpers from her affect me and I cast my eyes upwards, trying not to cry by her words. "How long have you known this, Kota? I am so sorry you had to go through it alone."

"We got the news on Christmas Eve, hence me being the depressed version of myself. I needed to make sense of all of my feelings before I could tell others, it hurts me very much, but he needs me to be strong."

She distances herself from the hug and looks into my eyes, "You need to allow yourself to feel these things."

I almost roll my eyes, but control the urge, "My feelings are fine, it's not my time to cry, not yet."

"Can we see him at some point?" She asks and gestures to her and Dani, who is also crying now. 

Nodding, "Yes, but it's scary. He coughs blood and has a hard time pronouncing his words. I can understand him, so that's not the biggest issue. Recently it has gotten worse, almost three weeks ago he rapped Eminem to me and now he has a hard time saying my name."

She hugs me again and this time Dani joins, "Thank you for telling me, Kota."

I only nod my head in an answer, the thoughts are deafening. I can't even pretend to create a response right now. It's almost his time to leave, but I need more time with him.