The Inceptive Flame⎪✓

❨45❩

♀︎

Telling Elijah not to wait for me, he calls my name in confusion but I close the door on him. It's very unfair, I have to be with my dad though. Not knowing what is going on breaks my heart, my mother definitely didn't ask them for details and I have to know if he is okay or not. My legs carry me faster than I could have ever imagined, running towards his room the tears blur my vision.

Clashing into a person roughly, he grabs my shoulders and shakes me a little. Doctor Wilson appears in front of me, his sympathetic eyes looking down at me. The sympathy makes it worse. My breathing picks up as my eyes fly all around every crevice in this cold hallway, I feel like I'm drowning, I need my dad. Not some fucking doctor. 

"Let me go!" I exclaim and rip myself out of his grip, hurrying into my dad's room. He is still awake, his weak and exhausted stare holds my gaze and my heart breaks completely. He hasn't looked at me like this before, it feels like both of us know what's coming next. None of us wanting to say it out loud, none of us wanting to face the true colors of what cancer has done to him, has done to us. 

"Dad," I whimper and sit on his bed, grabbing his icy hand in my warmer one. My mind tries to push some warmth into his body, willing him to be okay, willing him to live. This is not fair, he doesn't want to go like this, this is against his wishes. "We need to get you home, dad. I can get you home."

His eyes hold mine as he shakes his head lightly, "No, my baby."

His speech has worsened again and traitorous tears stream down my cheeks before I can catch them, "Please, let me get you home."

"Kota," He whispers and my eyes meet his. "We're okay here."

"I promised you," I whimper, the pain in my heart completely unreal. It squeezes and twists, as a knife is wedged into my stomach. 

"You succeeded, my baby," It's hard for him to get the words out and he coughs roughly, forcing the smallest amount of oxygen into his body. He urges his throat for a breath and I grab a napkin, placing it in front of his mouth as he coughs up blood. The sight of him so weak again is a hard punch to the gut, knowing what will happen next suffocates me to the point of not being able to feel my body. I can't do anything to how nor when he will leave this earth. I'm absolutely helpless.

"I know-" He starts and pauses to take a deep breath. "I know about your mother, please get away from here, Kota. Promise me to get away from her."

The shock from him knowing barely registers with me, my attempts to keep the truth away from him failed completely, "I'm so insanely sorry I didn't tell you, dad."

He shakes his head, "Never be sorry. Just promise."

Nodding, "I promise, I'll go to college on early admission."

I can't grant his burning wish of dying at home, but I can give him this, I can leave my mom and the toxicity of having a relationship with her. My heart will break from leaving home, Hetdale is my safe space, these past months have not and could never taint a city as perfect and lovable as Hetdale. My heart will always be here, but right now I have to listen to my dad's wishes. He wants me away from her and she is in Hetdale. 

"You never wanted to talk about this-" He takes a deep breath before having another coughing fit. "But I wrote my will in January, I have a colleague of mine on it, the best lawyer in town, so your mother will get nothing except for the house. The money, my car, everything is yours. And my funeral is planned already, so please don't worry, Kota."

Hearing him say those words makes it even more official, it's so horrifyingly painful and I push my hand against my constricting heart. This is why I never wanted to talk about it, deep down I knew he would have my back and of course he does. He is my dad and I have always loved him with every part of me. His person and how he treats others is what I aspire to be, my inspiration. 

"I don't know what to say, dad," I start as I wipe my tears away, only for there to appear more. "This feels like a fucking nightmare."

He shakes his head, but stops as soon as he feels dizzy. His grip on my hand tightens and I look upwards, trying to get some control of myself. He doesn't deserve to have a broken daughter on top of everything else, he has been strong through everything, my responsibility is to give him the same strength in return. Especially right now.

"This is real, I'm so sorry I have to leave you."

"Nothing feels right anymore, I want to tell you how much I love you and how important of a person you are to me, but-" I stop when the tears choke me up, a rough sob leaves my body.  

"It's okay, Kota. I have never questioned any of those things, okay?" He asks and tugs at my hand. "I know, my baby. You know how much you mean to me and how much I love you, just like I know how important I am to you. I'm blessed to have a daughter like you."

"You deserved more, dad. I'm so sorry I couldn't give you more."

"What did I just say?" He smiles lightly at me and I can't stop myself from reciprocating. 

"Never be sorry, I know."

My eyes search his face, my mind imagines his features like they used to be. Full of life and color, his cheeks and eyes weren't sunken in, the red tint to his cheeks and forehead were a sign of life. His big smile and how it made small smile wrinkles appear, I haven't seen those wrinkles since December, since he started losing weight and all of us questioned why he was constantly tired. After three weeks he finally accepted to go to the doctor's office, that decision ruined everything. It made it too real. 

The cancer grew, it ate at my dad until there was only shards left. It took every little piece of him, not granting anything to his family. It swallowed the essence of his energetic attitude, it wrecked me. And worst of all, it's going to kill him. The one man I have neared love for, for my entire life. He will be ripped away from me and there is nothing I can do. Absolutely nothing.