Behind My Eyes.

january 22nd, 2019

i think about the last time we saw each other all the time.

it was for the panic! at the disco show.

one of the strangest nights in my life.

it was supposed to be such a fun night but i could clearly tell from the moment i showed up at your house that you weren't all that interested in going anymore.

it was painfully obvious when we were in the arena and i could tell that you'd rather be sat next to anyone else.

when did we become strangers?

when did the air between us feel so thick you could cut it with a knife?

the arena suddenly felt so small.

i would've rather been anywhere else after that.

it was like i didn't know you anymore.

the energy of the crowd was electric from the second the lights turned off but for us it was somehow worse.

i've never felt so uncomfortable next to you.

i'd always been nervous to make a wrong move around you,

but this felt like i was walking on broken eggshells and finally messed up.

i knew there was no way to recover from that.

after the show, i saw tyler and i have never been so thankful for a familiar face in my life.

he'd always been a jokester so he, gracefully, brought some ease to my mind.

i remember the drive back to your place was awkward.

i tried to ease it by asking for you to put the radio on.

we got back to your house and i got out of your car and walked over to your door and waited for you to open it.

i knew that we were done, i still held out hope for another month or so though, foolishly.

i gave you one last hug, knowing that i'd never hug you again, and i told you that i loved you.

you didn't say it back, you hardly ever did.

you drove down your driveway leaving me in the road against my car.

i stood there against the small red car, the wind blowing through my hair, and i stood there thinking about the past two years with you.

i made it home shortly after that and sent you a message thanking you for coming and letting you know i'd made it home safely and that was it.

the end of an era.

you and i were done just like that.

the iconic duo who was always by each others sides would now be a separate thing.

amber and adison were no more.

i don't miss you much anymore.

i hurt for so long over this,

i finally am starting to feel like myself again.

i hope you're doing well too.