Behind My Eyes.

bad day.

had my first bad day in a while today.

it's been so long i didn't know how to talk myself down.

i had a few different panic attacks today and i don't know what triggered them or how i even handled them i think i just blacked out.

it's been so long since i've felt like this.

what happened?

i was doing so well?

i also feel like a nuisance to my friends because all i do is post about my writing and i think they're all getting tired of me.

i would be tired of me too.

the guy that i spent a majority of the year on and i've been talking to since november,

or i thought we were talking,

told me today that he wouldn't ask me out because of the distance and i'm the only one who puts effort into it.

which i wasn't expecting because i thought we did a good job at seeing each other and i thought he was into this too.

i admit that it felt like i was the only one putting effort into this long before he mentioned anything about it.

i was always the one messaging first and asking to facetime and asking when he was free so i could come to see him.

i don't know how i didn't see it sooner.

i'm always the last one to notice something and it's one of my worst traits.

i'm always late to the party.

i mean granted i'm good at noticing when things are changing!

i'm just bad at noticing that things were bad from the beginning.

i'm not sure what the point of this piece is. 

i suppose it's just a ramble.

needed to get the thoughts out of my head and my fingers were just itching to get on the keyboard.

lately i feel like the only thing that's been keeping me sane is writing something new every night.

it's all i have to look forward to.

is that sad?

i think that might be a little sad.