Behind My Eyes.

a ramble from 2020.

recently i decided to redownload bumble because we're on lockdown so i figured i'd try to meet new people.

and i matched with a few cool people and had some decent talks but i know that in-person we wouldn't click.

and we didn't!

i planned on telling them that i'd rather stay friends but they haven't talked to me since then.

maybe they noticed it too?

i felt bad saying that because we have a mutual friend but i don't know what happened.

i'm kind of sad about it because we did click on the phone and i know we'd be great friends but something was just missing when i saw them,

i just knew it wasn't something i was willing to pursue which is fine because i'm not required to.

i don't know maybe it's just a sign that i'm not going to find anyone?

they say that we accept the love we think we deserve and i thought that maybe i deserved at least a little bit of love but all i keep getting are deadends and lost connections.

maybe i don't deserve love?

maybe all i deserve are the friends i have and i'm perfectly fine with that,

i think i just mourn the could have been's like i've seen on television.

i know we aren't supposed to compare our real life to television but i still do sometimes.

i just want one stupid fairytale ending.

i'm tired of living in this stupid indie horror movie!

i just don't know what i might have done to deserve something so bland as this.

and i don't think i'll ever know i think i'm just stuck waiting it out.

granted none of my friends really seem to be having any luck with this stuff either so i shouldn't feel too bad for myself.

i guess sometimes i let things get under my skin and i let it live there until it eats me up.

i do that quite often.

i let things just get under my skin and i let it destroy me and i know that i need to stop doing it because it will inevitably be my downfall and i need to work on controlling it.

i need to control myself better too because when it gets late at night and my mind is running a thousand miles per hour things hurt so much worse.

until i'm consumed by them and my knife has never looked shinier and then i'm left with stupid angry red lines and then i'm stuck dealing with them for the next week or so.

i don't know what's wrong with me.

i've always been consumed by my feelings for as long as i can remember but recently i've noticed that it's let up and not been near as earth-shattering as it used to be and i'm thankful for that.

i swear i was only three more breakdowns away from not being able to pull myself back.

when you're in that headspace with the shiny blade in your hand and you can't stop crying,

that's when the intrusive thoughts are the worst, at least for me they are.

i've had to stop myself one too many times from hitting an artery and just being done with everything,

i know how bad that sounds trust me.

i had to live through it.

i haven't been there in a while.

i'm the only one that can talk me down from that cliff because i never listen to anyone but myself when i get that way and do you know how fucking hard it is to talk yourself down?

it's nearly impossible.

yet here i am,

despite all of the odds i'm here.

that cliff is somewhere i hope that i never find myself ever again.