Behind My Eyes.

3:32 am.

some nights the ache in my heart gets so bad that i can't breathe and i have to lay on the floor and spend a while focused on trying to get air to my lungs.

i haven't felt that bad in a while and i'm glad that i'm doing so well i just wish i knew when that change happened.

i like knowing what's going on in my head but lately, i feel like a stranger in my own mind.

i used to have a problem with feeling like i was on autopilot,

just going through the motions and never really living.

i used to picture myself floating above my body.

now i feel grounded and i can't escape myself.

i'm trapped in my body and it's like i don't know how to operate it,

why doesn't this thing come with some sort of a manual?

i've never had this many good days in a row.

i've never had this many good days after being stuck with myself for hours on end.

it's crazy.

i can't wrap my head around it and i don't know what i've done to deserve this?

maybe someone up there felt bad for everything that happened to me last year?

that's the only thing that comes close to making sense in my head.

i do know that i'll never take a good day for granted ever again because i don't know if they're numbered or not.

i've had so many bad days and my luck isn't any better than that so i know it has to be a matter of time before this hits the fan and i'm stuck crying on the floor again.

i'm slowly feeling more like a person though which has to be a good thing right?

to no longer feel like a machine and to feel like a human?

i'd like to think so.

i know i've always been a person though because of all the emotions i feel,

but i never truly felt like i was living and moments just seemed fleeting.

i'm spiraling and there's nothing to grab onto to keep me upright.

i'm falling and i have nobody to catch me.

fell off the tightrope and now it's just choking me.

it's been a while since i've been encompassed by this feeling and i've almost missed it.

almost.

that's the keyword here.

might have missed it slightly but never fully.

this feeling of restlessness has to be one of my least favorite things to experience.

i lie here in my bed pulling at my hair and frantically looking around the room for something.

i never know what it is that i'm looking for,

i just know that once i find it,

it seems almost impossible that it could've been anything else.

i think most of the time i might be looking for subtle reminders of you.

anytime i look at the middle of the carpet where the television now sits,

i see you sitting there that night in september, in your blue hoodie and your work pants.

you've got smokey in your arms and you look so at peace.

i look over there often.

you always had a demeanor about you that never failed to calm me down.

i guess that's what love is right?

you see them and suddenly it's as if all your problems just fade into the background and it's just them.

i miss the wave of calm that you brought to me.

i hope that you see me sitting on your couch sometimes or in your passenger seat and i hope it causes your chest to ache too.

why am i writing about you again?!

i literally wrote today about how everything i write always ends up having you in it.

GET OUT OF MY HEAD!

let me exist without you.