Snl Oneshots

Drunk (John Mulaney)

It was almost 4 a.m.

Y/n was sleeping, when the sound of someone knocking on her flat's door woke her up.

She sighed, looking at the alarm clock beside her bed.

"Who could it be at this time of night?" She thought.

As the knocks continued, she got up and put on her silk robe, walking through the apartment.

She opened the door.

In front of her, stood John, her best and oldest friend.

"John... it's four a.m... what are you doing here?" she said softly, still half-asleep.

"Heyyy" he blurred, smiling "I was near and I thought to come by..."

"Have you been drinking?"

"...No..." he lied.

"John! You gotta stop! I bet you've already blacked out!"

"What? No..." he lied again, holding on to the door frame.

"Stop lying to me!...ugh, it's useless... you won't even remeber this, tomorrow morning, there's no point in yelling..." she thought out loud.

"Can I come in?"

Y/n sighed, rubbing her temples.

"You're already here, so... sure"  she said, letting him inside.

John slowly walked towards her sofa, and sat down, followed, a few moments later, by y/n, that, after closing the door, did the same.

"...By the way, why were you drinking? It's really late and it's not even Saturday... you don't usually drink during the week-

Before she could say anything else, he smashed his lips on hers.

Y/n was shocked.

She stopped him, pushing him away.

"John, what are you doing?"

"I think you know what it was..." he smirked.

She had never seen him so confident before. It was like alcohol had made him a different person... and it scared her.

This wasn't the John she knew.

"I-I think you're too drunk, John, you s-should leave..."

"But we're having fun..." he said, getting closer to her, as a creepy smile grew on his face.

He put a hand on her cheek, staring at her in the eyes.

She felt shivers run down her back.

"J-John, please..."

He shushed her, putting a finger on her lips.

"We both know you want this too..."

He kissed her again.

This time, y/n couldn't hold herself, and she melted into it.

He smirked, putting his other hand on her hip, and then down on her thigh.

"W-what are you doing?... J-john?"

He didn't answer. Instead, John kept on kissing her, starting to open her robe.

"J-john! Please, s-stop!"

"Why? You don't like it?" He said, with a creepy smirk on his face.

She pushed him, away, getting up from the sofa.

"What's wrong with you!?" she said, as he stood up too.

"What's wrong with you, you fucking whore!" He yelled, getting closer.