If You Have To Ask

• Part 8 •

TW - Miscarriage

What am I going to do? How am I going to tell Anthony? Do I even have to tell him? Fuck sake Faye don't be an idiot of course you do. I knew it was about time I left the restroom after being in there for 10 minutes. God knows what they thought I was doing. I splashed some water on my face hoping to look like I hadn't just balled my eyes out.
"Can someone pass me a beer" I asked walking over to the guys all sat around the table.
Fuck I shouldn't be drinking I mean just because I wasn't sure if I wanted a child doesn't mean I wanted to harm it.
"Actually never mind I'm gonna head to bed" I said sighing louder than I thought I did. As I turned around I felt Anthony wrap his arms around my waist,
"What's up baby? I'm worried. Have you been crying?" Anthony sounded concerned as he walked to my bunk with me.
"I'm just not feeling great" I lied right through my teeth, I knew I had to tell him but I didn't know how, I was scared to know his reaction "can you cuddle with me for a little bit" Anthony was already putting the covers over me snuggling up. I felt content and happy with him, just lying in his arms would take all my worries away. I felt myself drifting off.
———————
I woke up alone, in fact the whole bus was empty. The eerie silence gave me goosebumps as I jumped out of my bunk. I fell asleep fully clothed last night so I changed my T-shirt and went looking for the guys. The clock said it was 5pm! What the fuck I'd slept for nearly 14 hours, I guess I needed it, I mean I am pregnant. Shit I nearly forgot. Something felt different today I'm not sure why but I was more aware that there was a baby in me. As I walked to the venue for the guys show tonight I was scooped up a flung over someone's shoulders "hey sleeping beauty" thankfully it was just Chad. As he put me down I felt a wave of nausea hit me but only for a second before it went away. I knew I had to talk to Anthony but after the show, I didn't want to distract him.
"There's my girl" Anthony smiled rushing over to me embracing me in his arms.
"I'm sorry I slept so long I don't know what came over me" I said laughing.
"Don't worry about it baby, I didn't want to wake you, you looked so peaceful" he cupped my face kissing me lovingly.
"Well it's time for the show, come to the side of the stage again will you? I need you there" I felt the worry in his words as if I'd say no.
"Obviously I will" laughing as he took me in his arm walking to the stage.
I don't know what came over me but I kept going really dizzy. I had a slight pain in my stomach but I shrugged it off and waited for my man to perform. I danced and sang along completely in awe of the love of my life and my best friends. As there last song finished I completely lost my vision, everything was a blur and I could feel myself sweating. As I fell to the ground the last thing I remember seeing was John running over to me in an attempt to catch me. Then everything went black.
———————
"Miss? Miss? I'm Dr Kahn, your in the hospital okay try and keep calm" as this doctor shined a bright light into my eyes I squirmed on the hospital bed trying to get up.
"What's happened, why am I here" I looked down seeing the scruffy blue hospital gown that I don't remember changing into. I was hooked onto an IV and another machine.
"I'm really sorry to inform you that you've had a miscarriage, did you know you where pregnant" the doctors sat down next to me asking me questions about my pregnancy and how long I'd known. I felt my whole body stiffen as I looked out of the window into the hall seeing all 4 of my boys patiently waiting for me with looks of worry spread over their faces. I didn't say a word to the doctor I just froze and felt tears slowly escape my eyes and as they did I knew I wouldn't stop.
"I just want to go" I said blubbering as the doctor stood up.
"I will ask your boyfriend to sign your paperwork and you'll be out here in no time" as the doctor left the room I wanted to scream. What did I do to this precious baby. I know I only found out yesterday but I'd slowly warmed myself up to the idea of me, Anthony and a baby. Anthony omg. As i got more upset at the thought of Anthony knowing he entered my hospital room.
"Hey baby let's go I've signed you out... hey hey hey come here it's okay" he rushed over to me seeing me a crying mess. He had genuine concern in his voice.
"It's not your fault, these things happen and you didn't know you were pregnant" but I did know and I didn't have the heart to tell him, I knew he'd be angry and I couldn't deal with that right now.
"Can we go now?" I asked while wiping away my tears.
"Of course come on let's get on the road" as Chad, flea and John entered my room grabbing my things, Anthony helped me out back onto the bus. I was excited to be continuing the tour but there was still this pit in my stomach, who would my baby of been? I tried to push it to be back of my mind and enjoy the rest of the tour. I knew that the guys' opening acts would be joining us tomorrow, Pearl Jam I think there called and smashing pumpkins. I hated meeting new people but this was something to cling onto so I didn't have to face reality.
"Erm Faye can you come here a sec please" Anthony didn't sound happy as he shouted me over to the restroom. Then it hit me. I put the test behind the toilet after I took it, it's bound to of moved when the bus did.
"Yeah baby what's up" as I opened the door to the restroom Anthony was sat on the toilet seat holding the test in his shaking hands.
"You knew. You knew and you didn't fucking tell me"
His voice got louder and louder.
"I found out the other night okay it was late and you guys where drinking, I was gonna tell you but I didn't want to distract you from your show so I waited" I said with tears brimming in my eyes.
"Faye you knew, I should of been the first person you told whether you where worried or not, I mean I don't want a kid yet I'm not ready and you knew that but you still got yourself knocked up!" As he said this I could feel myself getting angrier.
"Well you don't have to fucking worry Anthony do you because it's gone, it's dead. You can go back to whatever it was you where doing while I sit here and wonder what I did to kill my baby" I hadn't realised that I was shouting and felt johns hand slowly pull me away by my shoulder. I collapsed into him crying my eyes out. I didn't even want to look at Anthony, how could he be so selfish, I was only thinking of him because I knew he wasn't ready. I wasn't ready but something inside of me died as well when the doctor told me I miscarried. I didn't know if I wanted to stay on the tour with Anthony, my whole world was crumbling around me. I just wanted to sleep.
"Faye you can talk to me you know, I'm here. Let Anthony cool off he'll apologise" I almost forgot that I was in johns arms.
"I just want to go to bed" John helped me into my bunk as I was still in pain, I felt Anthony's eyes on me. I looked up and he looked a wreck, he looked sorry but when I looked at him rage just filled me again. I closed the curtain to my bunk shouting "someone wake me up when they get up" with that I got three "nights" shouted back but he said nothing. And with that I was asleep once again.