If You Have To Ask

• Part 9 •

The next few days were tense that's for sure. Anthony and I didn't really talk about what happened. All I seemed to do was get drunk, fuck Anthony, argue with him and then sleep. I could tell all the guys were worried about me but I just kept shrugging them off telling them I was fine. I wasn't fine. I was lost. I felt like a guest in my own body, I thought Anthony hated me but he didn't. Everything just seemed blurry. Our next show was in New York so it was the longest drive yet to there from Texas.
"Hey baby, can we talk?" I turned to see Anthony looking at me worried.
"Um yeah sure" we went to sit in his bunk. I hadn't had a drink yet so the headache was starting to creep in.
"We'll be on the road for a couple of days and I want us to take this time to talk, reconnect and well not drink. I love you so much and I'm sorry for what you've been through over the last couple of weeks but I'm here and I'm always going to be here" Anthony's eyes filled with tears as he said this and all I wanted to do was hug him tightly and never let go.
"I think that's a good idea, I love you more than anything and I'm sorry that I've just been thinking about myself" I said calmly not realising that I was in tears.
Anthony and I spoke for hours, laughing, joking and enjoying each other's company's. I really love his man and I know he really loves me. I want my life with this man and I knew I had to stop blaming myself for my miscarriage.
It was around 2am and Anthony and I had both fell asleep on the couch on the bus.
"Would you look at that, peace at last" Flea said giggling.
"I hope they work, as much as I love Anthony I'm just very wary. I love her like my sister and I don't want her to get hurt" Chad said to flea while looking at me and Anthony.
"They'll be okay, come on let's get some sleep" John slapped Chads back before they all headed to their bunks.
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Anthony's POV

I woke up with Faye's arms wrapped around my waist, her head snuggled into my chest. I love this girl more than anything but lately it hasn't been the same. Ever since the miscarriage she's been different, like she hates the world. I wanted to make things right, I didn't want to lose her. I was known as a playboy and the press didn't like that I'd found one girl I wanted. They would make up fake stories about Faye and I on the rocks, which wasn't all false, but it was non of their business.
"Hey man you okay?" I saw flea poke his head into the room. I gently rolled Faye off me and kissed her forehead as I went and sat on the table with the rest of the band.
"I just don't want to lose her you know but it just doesn't seem right anymore" as I put my head in my hands the guys went silent. I turned around and Faye was standing there, clearly annoyed.
"Not right anymore huh?" There was a crack in her voice as she folded her arms staring at me.
"No no I didn't mean that your taking this the wrong way" I got up trying to calm her down.
"Then which way would you like me to take this Anthony" her eyes filled with tears as she grabbed her bad and started shoving her things in it.
"I want us to work I love you, why are you packing what are you doing" I tried to grab the bag out of her hands but it was no use.
"I'm gonna go and stay on Pearl jams bus, they want me to play with them when we get to NYC. I think it's best if we take a break" I didn't know what to say but I knew it would be for the best.
"Just stay on here with us, I don't want you to go" I grabbed her hand as she went to the front of the bus to ask them all to stop for a second.
"Anthony I can't, this is toxic we need some time apart. Just until we get to New York then we can talk" she kissed me cheek and got off the bus. My heart broke into two but I knew it was my fault.
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"Got any room for a little one" as Eddie Vedder of Pearl jam opened the bus door he grabbed my bag and then embraced me in a long hug.
"Don't worry kid we got you, you hungry we've got food" as the buses got back on the road i was welcomed with open arms by all the guys Eddie, Stone, Mike and Jeff. I couldn't help but feel bad for just leaving Anthony and the guys like that but this little break while we were on the road would do us good. I love him with my whole being but I just couldn't forgive him for being so selfish when I lost the baby.
"So do you wanna talk about it" stone asked hesitantly.
"Not really, I just needed a break from him" I carried on eating my cereal as they all looked at each other.
"What" I sat up quite suspicious.
"Well we're stopping in Georgia tomorrow to go to that cave with the water fall and lake then we're going to camp there... all of us... including the chilis. I knew that wound mean Anthony would want to try and talk then but I just needed some space and time.
"Can I just stay with you guys" I put my cereal in the sink and stiff right next to Eddie.
"Of course you can don't worry, we won't let him talk to you if you don't want him to" as Eddie put his arm around me I felt a bit more excited to spend some time with the guys.
We sat and practiced the songs that I was gonna go on for in New York and talked about life. Eddie and I laughed all night and I couldn't help but feel attracted to him. Was he handsome? Definitely. But I was in love with Anthony and it felt wrong to be attracted to another man. I took myself to spare bunk and as soon as my head hit the pillow I was out.
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"Wake up chicken, we're here" I felt Mike tapping on my back.
"Okay let me go and get changed" I had the perfect bikini to go under my shorts and T-shirt, It was bright purple and hugged my body in all the ways I wanted it to. As I stepped off the bus I was taken back by the beauty of waterfall and the lake that was in front of it. The buses all parked in a 'U' shape and we set up our camp chairs in that space. Eddie was messing about and flung me over his shoulder running towards the lake to push me in. He let me down right before the lake and as we turned round we were greeted with a cold look from Anthony.
"Oh Eddie you should of just chucked her in" Chad said laughing as he ran towards me lifting me up and jumping in the water with me.
"Chad for god sake my clothes are soaked" I laughed as he helped me out.
Anthony was sat on his camp chair conveniently put right beside mine. I let it slide and walked past him to take my clothes off. As I lifted my T-shirt over my head and unbuttoned my shorts I could feel his eyes on my body. I wanted him. I wanted his hands all over me but I knew I had to be strong and give our relationship this time.
I put my clothes on my chair to dry and ran towards the lake running past all the guys and jumping over Chad and flea, who were already in the lake, letting the water take me.
"Do you wanna come climb with us and jump off the waterfall" Chad asked helping me out of the water again.
"Yeah sure let's go" I was so excited to go and jump off the top of the waterfall. I love stuff like this. As we where making our way around the lake I heard Eddie voice.
"Hey wait up I'm gonna come to" he said putting his arm around my shoulders. I knew it would annoy Anthony so I ran ahead with flea.
We got to the top of the waterfall and it was higher than I expected. I let Chad and Eddie go first and then it was just me and Flea.
"You don't have to jump if your scared" he said jokingly nudging me.
"I'm not scared I just wanna see you do it first" I laughed as he took off jumping off this high ledge. I was nervous but couldn't let it show.
"Be careful babe" I heard Anthony's voice from down below in the lake. I knew he cared for me deeply and just the thought of that gave me butterflies. Maybe I'd made the right decision switching buses to give us a break. Even after one night we seemed better. I mean we haven't actually spoke yet but the air was less tense. I finally psyched myself up to jump. I ran and jumped off the ledge letting the water take me as I hit the lake. That's when I realised I wasn't as strong of a swimmer as the guys where when I hit the lake so close to the waterfall. I could feel the water pushing me down as I tried to swim up.
Suddenly I felt a strong pair of hands grab my waist and pull me up to the top. It was Anthony.
"Your okay I've got you" he said while pushing my hair out of my face. I looked into his big brown eyes and found myself kissing him.
"What was that for" he asked with a big grin on his face.
"I love you Anthony" I had to tell him, I know he already knew but in that moment everything felt like it was back to normal, like nothing ever happened.
"You know I love you to more than anything" he kissed me again and we got out of the lake. I wasn't ready to go back on there bus, I think this time apart was good for us.
Little did I know that was all going to change.