Phoenix

chapter eighteen

The next morning I called jason to tell him I was coming over with the papers, he said he didn't go to work, but he was at home.

So I got dressed and went over to his house.

&.&.&.

I knocked on the door and was greeted by ben.

I love the look on his face when he saw me.

"Aunty eve.... come in"he opened the door and I stepped in.

"Ben.....how are you"

"Am fine, are you looking for my dad"

"Yess, is he inside"

"Yeah.. he's in the library"

I frowned, I don't remember a library...wow.

"What about your mom"

"She traveled..and she isn't coming back for a while"

He led me up the stairs to the library.
And ran off.

He was sitting on the floor sorting his books.

"E...hem"I coughed and he turned.

"Oh.. eve..I wasn't expecting you this early..sit"he pointed at the very comfortable chair at the end of the room.

"You must be wondering why there's a library now"

"Yeah.. when did you redecorate" I looked around, I felt like I was in book heaven, it wasn't big but it was perfect.

"I changed the guest bedroom to a library, because I thought if you ever came back, you'd love this place, I know how much you love reading"he didn't make eye contact, he was trying to avoid me, looking at the books the floor but not me.

"Oh..well it's beautiful"I scratched my arm, I was getting nervous.

"Am ready to sign papers"he stood and took the files from me, he stared at the papers like he wanted to change his mind... Then finally he signed them.

"Thank you"

"Don't do that" he shook his head as he went back to sitting on the floor.

"Do what" I arranged the files, and stared at him, puzzled.

"Say thank you, be nice... it's killing me"

"I don't get it"

"I waited five years and you came back and I expected you to hit me or arrest me or anything, punish me but instead you ignore me and when you finally say something it's I forgive you"

"Because I do, we all mistakes"

He took a deep breath.

"I want you to be angry with me because I guess I haven't forgiven myself and finding out that you lost your pregnancy because of me just worsens my guilt"

"I don't know what to say...jason"

"It's okay..you don't have to say anything"he mumbled.

The silence in the room was unbelievably awkward.

"So care to explain ben" I broke the silence.

"Oh yeah when I was 20 I went out and got really drunk, the next morning I woke up with scarlet in my bed and i couldn't remember a thing, a month later she showed up at my house saying she was pregnant for me, so I struck a deal.. I would take care of ben, but we wouldn't date"

"Aren't you guys dating"I asked.

"Of course not, she's here because of ben".

He really hadn't moved on, I didn't know what to say, I had to admit seeing this part of him shocked me, I wonder what would have happened if I never left, if I had my child... would he have changed for the child's sake.

"Would you like to come with me and Ben, we're going to watch a movie, we have popcorn"

I couldn't risk spending the day with him,this new him already had me daydreaming.

I couldn't risk loving him again.

I fear that I never actually stopped.

"Am busy today but thanks".

Before he could say anything I grabbed the files and fled.

Not even telling ben goodbye.

Life is hard.