𝐌𝐞𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐝 𝐭𝐨 𝐇𝐞𝐫 𝐌𝐚𝐝𝐧𝐞𝐬𝐬

44 | Until Death Do Us Part

Tom unlocked the car and grabbed a little paper slip from the glovebox, telling me he was going to pay for parking before driving us home. I nodded, this was the first time I had heard him say anything since we found out about the terminated pregnancy. He had barely spoken to me throughout the entire day really, he almost acted like picking me up from the hospital was a burden rather than a relief.

I slid into the passenger seat and took a deep breath, making at least one of us relieved there wasn't a baby on the way. I wasn't prepared to have kids any time soon, especially not when my relationship was completely holding on by bare threads. Can you imagine if I gave birth to a daughter? Imagine what fucking life she would be brought up in surrounded by a misogynistic Mafia family.

I looked in the side mirror to see Tom walk across the car park and pull a deck of cigarettes out of his jacket pocket, pull one out and tuck it between his lips. I've barely seen Tom smoke cigarettes in the year and a half that I have known him, has he rekindled an old habit?

He punched in a few numbers at the machine and stood there for a second before pulling out the validated ticket. Enjoying the rest of his cigarette, he leant against a nearby wall which had a prominent 'no smoking' sign plastered onto it and looked up to the sky.

That's when he rubbed his eye with the base of his palm and his face contorted into one of complete sadness. He wept, streams of tears rolling down his face as a shaking hand lifted itself to his mouth. Inhaling another drag of tobacco he tried to compose himself, alerting me to the fact that I shouldn't be watching him in the mirror. It felt too invasive.

Shortly after he came back to the car, eyes red and his breath smelling of smoke. He put the keys in the ignition and started the car, reversing out of the spot and taking a deep breath.

"Are you okay?" I asked timidly.

"Do I look fucking okay to you?" He said bluntly, pulling up to a red light in order to exit the hospital precinct.

"You just look like you've been crying, that's all," I said softly.

"Yeah well, I'm surprised you're not considering we just lost a child neither of us knew about," he huffed, looking out the window and avoiding eye contact with me entirely.

You could cut the tension between us with a knife, the cars air felt thick to be in and the angst of the situation was suffocating. As I rolled down the window, I felt like I could finally gasp fresh air.

"Honestly I'm kind of relieved. Neither of us want kids and neither of us are ready for something like that. Fuck, imagine both of us having a baby," I chuckled, trying to ease the heaviness of the conversion.

"Imagine? I do that every fucking day that I wake up next to you Y/N! How can you say neither of us are ready or that neither of us want kids when we've never even spoke about it properly... I just don't get why you stay in this relationship when it's obvious you don't think about a potential future together. Do you even want to be with me?" He said turning towards me quickly before the light turned green and he accelerated.

"Of course I want to be with you Tom... I joined the fucking mafia for you! Does that mean nothing to you? I just can't move past the fact that a future with you means a future in a mafia family where women aren't treated like equals! I-I don't even know if I want kids, I've never even thought about it seriously," I objected.

"See that's the thing Y/N. It's scary to hear that when you've been dating as seriously as we have. You don't imagine future milestones like weddings or kids between us. You don't pass a store and point at a little size zero t-short and say; 'aw imagine our son in that'. You don't look at an Instagram photo and say that it would be such a nice wedding destination. These things don't come naturally to you! It's like you're afraid to actually commit and tell yourself that you do want to spend the rest of your life with me," he said staring ahead at the road.

"Because I don't know if I do! I don't know what I want!" I blurted out, immediately regretting what I had said but knowing that I had instinctually said it from a place of truth.

Tom was speechless. And how could he not be? I had just said that I didn't know if I wanted to stay with him anymore. That would crush a person to hear. He stayed quiet for an uncomfortable amount of time before we neared the house; our house. Our house? I don't even know if I belong here anymore.

"Well I know what I want Y/N. I want a girlfriend who loves me and knows that she loves me-" Tom began saying before I cut him off.

"I do love you," I interrupted.

"I need you to be in this one hundred percent or not at all Y/N. You can't expect me to welcome just any woman into my life when you know how difficult it is to bring people into this lifestyle. I need a partner. I need you to envision both of us in it for the long haul, the whole 'until death do us part' bullshit. I need my woman to be the rightful godmother to The Family," he trailed, pulling up in the driveway and parking.

"So what happens for the two of us now?" I said, the words struggling to come out of my mouth out of fear I already knew the answer.

"I- I think that we should break up."

"You think? Or you know," I said barely louder than a whisper. I could barely speak yet I couldn't look away from him. I felt the tears run down my cheeks and the weight on my chest felt like every inhale and exhale was a fine lined struggle between life and death.

"I know what I want Y/N. I just hope one day when a guy who loves you head over heels comes along, you finally know what you want," Tom said bluntly before getting out of the car and slamming the door behind him. I got out quickly after him, standing next to the car crying, watching him walk towards the house.

"So this is it? I pledge allegiance to a fucking crime family for you and you leave me because of a pregnancy neither of us knew about?" I called out, throwing my arms up in the air out of frustration.

"Don't you dare even start to blame this on the events of today Y/N! You walked out on me remember? You slept in the guest room. You said you couldn't date someone like me. You decided that I was the sexist pig because of the mafia traditions that I have to uphold as the god damn leader. Don't act like this is all just because of a fucking miscarriage. You want to leave The Family? Then fucking leave," he said walking back towards me.

"You know full well that leaving The Family means I have to kill myself or let one of your pitiful little lackeys do it for you," I scoffed.

"I'm the Godfather. I make the rules. You can leave without death, I'll give you that much," he said turning around and walking back towards the house.

"You make the rules now do you?! So you're finedoing me a favour by not killing me but you won't bend the rules so that mafia women will be treated like fucking human beings and not men's sex slaves or personal chefs and cleaning maids? No wonder you want me to have your kids, you just want to protect your fucking legacy whilst I stay at home raising the next Holland godfather... I'd rather you fucking kill me for leaving then ever let you treat me like a fucking peasant!" I yelled back at him, sticking my arms out by my side and basically begging for him to shoot me.

"Killing you would be too fucking easy for me! I'd rather you try and survive this fucking world without me. I gave you everything you could ever want, everything!" He yelled back.

"Everything? How about giving your girlfriend some fucking respect next time," I fought.

"Pack your shit and leave my home," Tom demanded.

"Keep it all. Burn it. I don't fucking care what you do, I'd rather survive this world on my own," I spat, using his own words against him.

I thought about hurling one of the large decorative stones from the driveway into his car windscreen. I thought about grabbing a baseball bat and smashing everything in his fucking home. But I was the bigger person. I had a lot to prove and I knew I had a lot to do for myself.

And I needed to start now.