Cruel Empathy ✓

An Empath

***Anna***
3 Years Earlier

"Have you ever heard of the term 'empath'?"

Anna swallowed. She had been seeing Dr. Sarah Engles for the last three months and she had been the best therapist Anna had ever had. Which is saying something, because she had seen a lot of therapists.

Dr. Engles was one of the top therapists in the state and had recently started seeing foster kids as a sort of community outreach. Typically the therapists Anna were assigned to were so overbooked and burnt out that they were completely unhelpful. They spouted out coping strategies like they were reading a Google search and didn't know her from Adam. Dr. Engles was different. She was extremely insightful and Anna felt like she could be honest and open with her. Well, as honest and open as she could be.

Initially caught off guard by the question, Anna studied her. She realized Dr. Engles wasn't talking about psychic empath abilities but a legitimate personality trait. This could actually be helpful.

"Empathy is feeling what others feel,"Anna answered hesitantly.

"That's right. Empaths feel what others feel. They tend to be highly attuned to the emotions of others around them. When someone is excited, an empath feels excited with them. When a friend is disappointed, they feel that too. They may feel overwhelmed frequently, losing themselves amongst others. They may even feel responsible for how others feel. Do you think that describes you?"

"Yes. All of it. I can't help it or change it," Anna said, defeated.

"Oh, honey. It is part of who you are. Being an empath can be a good thing. You help people and understand them. But...you need to set boundaries for yourself. You need to allow yourself to be selfish, to be a teenager. Your empathy coupled with the trauma of foster care can cause more obstacles for you. You have your own feelings and desires that are just as important as anyone else's. You do not owe your foster parents anything. You deserve to be loved just as any other child. You try too hard to please them, to keep them happy. That is not your burden," Dr. Engles explained emphatically. Anna relished her words and tried to absorb them. This was the first time she felt seen.

"It never made much difference, I guess. I still keep getting moved."Anna's eyes filled with emotion.

"That has nothing to do with you. You are a special girl, Anna. You are worthy of love. Of a family. Even if the state doesn't place you in the right one, you will be able to choose your own one day. We will work on recognizing and avoiding the toxic people who will poison you from the inside out. Too bad we don't have much control over that right now, but setting boundaries will help."

Anna swallowed back tears. "I don't blame them really. Most go into taking foster kids with noble intentions. The idea is always easier than the reality. I don't want to make their lives harder."

"This is what I mean. You don't speak like a typical sixteen year old. You are far too insightful and intuitive for your age. Of course adding a new person into an established family is an adjustment no matter how good, helpful, and kind that new addition is." Dr. Engles let out a frustrated breath, "Because you are not a troublemaker, I know you are often placed with families...who are less than ideal. Not really cut out for the task, so to speak. Sorry...I shouldn't have said that." Anna could feel Dr. Engles's anger on her behalf.

"You may not be an empath, Dr. Engles, but this job is probably just as emotionally exhausting. You take on other people's baggage every day. I'll be okay, I can handle it. Even if I have to move a dozen more times. Just a couple more years and the state will pay for my college and I'll be...I'll be okay." She thought speaking the words into existence would help make it true.

"Anna, you don't have to make me feel better. My job is often emotionally taxing, but I chose it. I love it, too. I have my own coping strategies and when I am home, I am home. I want you to be honest about how you really feel and think with me and not worry about if it upsets me. Tell me, how do you really feel about now or about the future?"

How did she really feel? "I'm...I'm worried I guess. Worried that I won't be able to let anyone close enough and that I'll be alone forever. I worry that I don't know what my own feelings are anymore. I worry that I will never belong." It felt good to speak her true feelings out loud.

"Those are all valid worries. A lot of those worries you will have control over. Let's start small, and we can add more strategies when I see you next week."

"Next week? You will be able to see me again so soon? Aren't you in high demand and super busy?" Dr. Engles laughed and gave her a comforting smile.

"Do not worry about me. You are important enough for me to make time for. I may not be able to see you every week, but I can see you next week. Now, for this week I want you to say 'no' to babysitting one night and try to go out with friends." Anna felt a surge of panic.

"I don't know. Sharon gets really overwhelmed with the twins. I'm the only one that can help soothe Riley to sleep. Sharon...Sharon will be upset. Jarod doesn't have the patience to really be much help and they might fight..."

Anna had been so worried that she would be put in another home after the twins were born. She arrived at the Clints' home only two weeks before they found out they were expecting. They had gone through four rounds of IVF and were beyond ecstatic at the news of their success. Of course Anna felt their happiness too, she just didn't know how she would fit once they achieved the family they always wanted.

Being a parent is permanent, but being a foster parent isn't. If Anna was too much trouble, she could just be sent on her way. Biological children, however, had the benefit of that permanency. Their parents took on their burdens, and worked through their mess ups. There was no thought of giving them back.

So she worked hard at being a good kid. She always went above and beyond when it came to chores around the house. She rarely back- talked, even though she could back- talk like the best of them. She made good grades, followed their strict rules, and never broke their trust. She made sure to vocalize her gratitude as much as possible, even when she didn't necessarily feel gracious. All her foster parents loved it when she did that. They needed the affirmation. Anna couldn't blame them for it, she craved the affirmations too.

"It's okay to let them feel upset. They can manage their own feelings. They are the parents of those babies, not you. I'm not saying never help, but you can take a night and have fun. What advice would you give to a friend if they were in your situation?"

"I would tell them it's okay to go out and have fun," Anna replied almost begrudgingly. Dr. Engles beamed at her.

"Why wouldn't you deserve the same? I like that strategy too. How about we use a journal where you can pretend you are a friend asking for advice. It can help you clarify what you feel and want if you think of it as coming from someone else. Will you try it?" Anna nodded.

"Okay, good. Try the journal and do something fun for yourself this week. Those two things. And when I see you again we will discuss it. " Anna spoke her agreement, and thanked Dr. Engles profusely. She was going to try and be brave and follow her advice. Say "no." It seemed so easy, but why did it feel like she was being asked to drive through Manhattan blindfolded? Was she really that weak? Was she so desperate for love and acceptance that she couldn't bear to feel Sharon's disappointment for one night? She had been living this way for so long that she no longer knew who she was or what she wanted. One day she will choose her own family. It would be best if she started to figure herself out.

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