I am Clara

Of Bridges and Christmas Celebrations

I was really testing my luck with Laine. I had been visiting much more often and staying longer each time. I was convinced she knew I was coming, but still, she didn't bother changing the locks. It was so unlike herself, that my fear that she had ruined her years of sobriety transformed into an almost certain deduction. I hoped for the kids' sake that she hadn't fallen into her old habits. I didn't think she'd be so selfish. To do this when she knew the kids couldn't take care of themselves; when she knew I wasn't there to help this time around. Especially so close to Christmas, anger that had been stored away when she had first fallen down that dark hole stirred to surface.

      As if I wasn't worried enough about my siblings, Mimpi came bearing news of an upcoming attack. It seemed the Asian ninjas didn't take holidays. Couldn't they have been considerate enough to put off their attempts at killing me, until after Christmas?

     I counted myself lucky to make it to Christmas Eve, and despite being away from my biologic family, it was a pretty great Christmas Eve.

      Sitting along the Andrews' extended family table, food and laughter filling the room, warmth filled my chest as they welcomed me as their own. As I had known them since a child, they barely batted their eyes at my joining of their family party. Andrews' aunts and uncles, among his cousins and grandmother on Anna's side had come over, all as jolly and welcoming. With Colton's engagement, their usual euphoria was amplified, and it made for a very entertaining evening.

      Nonetheless, as much as I was enjoying myself, it didn't feel right. I spent years complaining that my mother dragged me to church while my friends played games and went sledding, but now I missed it. It didn't feel like Christmas without midnight mass, and I really wanted to support the kids' roles in the play. I so dearly wanted to see Bella play Mary.

      Mouth open in laughter as he spoke with his brother Dylan, brown eyes crinkled with joy as he headed for the boardgame closet, I met Andrews half-way and pulled him aside. It was nice to see him happy. There was something about Andrews, something in his crooked smile and shining eyes that never failed to pull your lips into a smile as big as his own.

      "I think I'm going to go."

      "What?" I didn't miss the disappointment as crumbs of his half-eaten cookie fell atop his blue collared shirt.

      "Your family's amazing, and though I may not be wanted, Christmas without my own wouldn't be the same," I said. "My traditions may not be as fun as yours, but... they're mine." I looked at my shuffling feet, hoping he understood.

      "I understand." He smiled softly. He veered for the shoe closet. In his quick change of desired closets, he stumbled, clumsily supporting himself on the white walls.

      "What are you doing?" I laughed as he grabbed two different shoes, awkwardly making move to place them on the wrong feet. Neither shoe was his.

      "I'm grabbing my shoes," he said as though the answer was obvious. "I'm coming with you."

      "No, you're not." I took the mismatching pair of shoes from his hands and returned them to their usual spots. "It's not that I don't want you there," I clarified. "But you're clearly enjoying yourself, and you deserve to spend Christmas with your family."

      "But you're—"

      "Please. Your presence would only make me feel guilty. I don't want to take you away from this."

      He cocked his head to the left, watching me in a scrutinizing manner as he considered my words. He focused on me a few seconds, turned his head back towards his family laughing in the living room, and refocused on me. Finally, he sighed and nodded.