The Deal

21. The truth

Isabella Rose

I've had a lot of panic attacks lately. All of them at night. I wake up from a nightmare and feel like I can't breathe. I can't hear my heartbeat and it's terrifying. It gets to a so bad point that I just want to hit myself hard on the head to pass out. That way it would be easier.
It's like i can't move in my dreams. I feel paralyzed while Dante is doing things to me. I hate it.
To wake up crying each night. To not have any appetite for any food. It's like my body refuses to eat now. I try to not make it obvious. Valentino comes in each day and hands me some food. He has not once forced me to eat which is nice. I just want to be my old self again.
I cry for a while in bed. That's a daily routine by now.

I'm moving back to Tanya soon. Valentino demanded I stay, to be safe. But I do not want to be a burden. I feel like I already am.

"Bella?" A voice calls for me and I turn around to find Valentino standing behind me.
When did he get in.
"I knocked and called for you but you were not answering" he says putting down a new plate of food for me. Then he takes the old one I have yet not touched or tasted. He looks down on the still full plate. "You should try the pasta, it's the one you like" he says and I look at it. It really is I've always loved Carbonara.
"I'm...I'm not hungry" I mumble.

On his way out I stop him. "Val... are you still mad at me" I ask so desperate to be forgiven for my actions.

He shakes his head. "Don't be stupid now, eat that carbonara and you are forgiven" he says and I give him a smile.
I grab the plate and try to eat as much of it as I can. I don't know why I'm acting this way I used to love eating. It's like my body is punishing me for hurting it. Well I was not the one hurting it but anyways.

***

"Take off your pants" he said.
I feel him getting on top of me and forcing himself on me. I can't move. I'm frozen in place. I hear him moan and growl in my ear and it's like torture. I cover my ears to escape but the pain is still there. I feel him moving in and out of me while I cry.
"Just like that" he says coming inside of me....

"Isabella!" Someone is shaking me.
"It's a dream amore" a gentle voice says as I fling my eyes open in terror. I start screaming and crying.

"No let me go, don't do it!" I yell as I feel arms wrap around me. Pulling me against a warm body. "It's just a dream, look at me" he says turning my head to his. My eyes scan his face. Valentino.
"See... it's just a nightmare." He says and I immediately melt into his arms.
I let him hold me. I dig my face in his chest while he hugs my body. I sob while he sits there and lets me.
His hand is slowly moving up and down patting my back. He's comforting me like I've never been before. I feel safe.

After a while I pull myself together and pull away from him even though I do not want to. I wipe my tears.
He looks at me with soft eyes.
"I'm sorry I... I didn't mean to wake you up" I say.

"What was the dream about" he asks ignoring what I just said.

"I...I don't remember I just know it was scary" I lie.

"Don't bullshit me love, you have nightmares each night, tell me why." he demands an answer this time not letting it slide.
I shake my head. "I can't" I say bringing my knees up to my chest.

"I'm not asking, tell me why. You have stopped eating since you came, you can't sleep and constantly stay hidden in your room. You can't blame me for wanting an answer" he says.
I get him, I really do. If he acted this way I would be very worried too. I never knew he had noticed it all. He's not around a lot so how did he analyze everything.

I have no other choice but to tell him the truth, even if it hurts.

"Dante. He..." I pause squeezing my eyes shut. "He raped me several times" I say.

He doesn't say anything, waiting for me to finish my sentence. "I mean he did it a lot for 3 whole years but I somehow got better. I could heal. This time he really broke me. He's everywhere. And I fucking can't escape him. I feel disgusting" I say.

"I don't recognize the woman in the mirror anymore. I'm weak and disgusting." I say.

"That fucking pig, I'll fuck him up" he says clenching his fists.

"Nothing was your fault you know that right?" He says. I haven't seen this side of him before. It's sweet.
I nod.

"And don't ever call yourself disgusting" he adds.
"Well I feel like I am." I drop my head.

"Gosh Bella you're..." he pauses and stands up. He walks to the side I'm sitting on. He puts his fingers on my chin and moves my head up. Forcing me to look at his face. His hand stays gently on my chin as I look into his eyes.

"Your beauty is mesmerizing Isabella. And I promise you to kill that man if it is the last thing I do. Just to make you happy again." he says and I let one last tear fall. He wipes it for me as we stay there staring at each other.

My heart beats faster and I wonder who will look away because if he keeps looking at me like that I will kiss him.

"Stop looking at me like that" I say even though I stare at him the same way. "Like what?" He asks knowing exactly what I mean.

"Like you want me" I say breathing heavily. He bends over just until our lips are inches away. Teasing me. I try to focus.
I've never felt this. And it almost feels like my heart will pop right out. He makes me forget about everything and just live in the moment.

Someone is walking towards my room I can hear. Before the person can step inside I push Valentino away. Trying to pull myself together.

We stare at Matteo that is standing watching us from the wide open door.
"Oh I didn't mean to disturb, you guys can continue on whatever you were doing" he says and I get embarrassed. Did he see it. That we almost kissed.
"We weren't doing anything" I say as Valentino gives me a smirk.

"Yeah sure you weren't...I just heard screaming so I thought I would check but I think I got it now" he says and my mouth drop.
No way he thinks we fucked and the screams was from that.
"Oh my gosh no Matteo that was not it! I just had a nightmare" I say covering my face from embarrassment.

Valentino is laughing beside me. "Tell him we weren't doing anything inappropriate" I say hitting Valentino on his arm. This is so awkward.

"Yeah we were talking" he says. Matteo does not say one more thing before leaving.

"Omg he thought the screaming... was like... ahhh I'm so embarrassed" I say closing my eyes. "Don't worry he'll forget it in an hour" Valentino says. He's probably traumatized.

I stand up and give Valentino a hug. "Thank you for listening and comforting me" I say.

"Don't get too used to it amore" he jokes. I've missed it. Amore. I used to hate it at first but now it's sweet.

"Goodnight" I say before he pulls away and leaves this room.

I fall down on my bed looking up at the ceiling not knowing what to feel. I can not deny it anymore, I feel strongly for Valentino. I'm drawn to him. Every time he gets close my heart pounds faster.

I just hope he feels the same for me too.