The Truth

Part four

I never saw it as a contest for who had the more special needs but sometimes I just couldn't help realising what help I needed and nobody helped, it was frustrating.

I can remember the time that we went to mudford wreck and I got a hot chocolate and choked on it, I spat it everywhere while laughing, I was complaining about how I had sticky hands after I choked and I couldn't cope with my hands being sticky. You laughed at me because I got scared of a chihuahua. To be honest they were pretty scary, have you not seen their faces and how they always yap at you? It's terrifying. All dogs are scary except golden retrievers and pugs, but also I guess you have to get to know the dogs then decide if you like them, but chihuahuas are just a massive no.

You treated me so nicely, I had never been treated like that before, it was peaceful knowing that somebody loved me, I always felt like I was worthless, that nobody would ever love me, but you proved those thoughts wrong. Thank you for proving them wrong. There are many times that I think to myself how lucky I was that you loved me.

I was staring out the window on a dark morning watching the raindrops slide down the window and land on the orangey green leaves. I was thinking about you, as I always do, when I walked to school that morning everything felt off, I felt that you were angry with me and it all felt very awkward. I had my MRI the day after. My back was the most painful thing, a four-hour MRI was not fun, and it made me feel brutally sick. I woke up the next morning feeling fine then we went back to everything feeling weird between us. I didn't know if it was just me who felt this awkwardness or if it was just me overthinking like usual.

I sat in my bed watching the cursor flash at me waiting for me to type. I had nothing to type anymore. I felt like scrapping this whole thing. It looked so miserable as I looked back at it.
I kept it the same. I didn't delete any of it because I was writing my words and not caring if anyone would judge me. I was still sitting there looking at the cursor. I didn't know what to write. Well, I did but I didn't know how to word it.
I wanted to say everything, but how to word it I don't know.
I always would get angry with myself if I didn't know what to write.

I felt bad for shouting at you one day. The words didn't come out right. They sounded aggressive. I'm not very good at controlling my anger, I take after my father. That's why I would never have children because I knew I would hurt them and end up with them being taken away from me.

With all the health issues I have, whether it's mental or health issues you always stuck around, even though I would always moan about how I was cold or how a bit of my body hurt you probably did find it annoying but you always kept it quiet because you knew I couldn't help it.