The Truth

Part sixteen

It turns out the thing with Lyra was 'a joke' People just can't stop themselves when it comes to hurting me, and even though I said no, it still upsets me, I would never do that to someone, but it is ok it's just a part of life and I need to accept it. This anger inside of me is growing again, it's growing out of control, I don't know what this anger is really about, it's a matter of things. You, myself, school, my thoughts, I'm just not good for anyone to be around. The heavy breathing gets to me mostly, when I need a distraction. But now I don't have one, no weed, no drink and nothing positive. I quit everything to make our relationship better, but maybe it just made it worse. I'm still really trying to be kind to you, but whenever I see your face I just want to go and punch something, I'm angry at myself for that. I want to be able to forgive you and also forgive myself. I'm just another one of those selfish people. I think it's coming to an end for me, I'm not going to wait for cancer to get me anymore.
I miss us, I know that sounds foolish but I do miss our relationship. I miss being able to sit next to you and feel like everything was in place. Now my whole life feels like a heap of mess, nothing feels that it's in its place anymore, you still have my heart but I have to act like you don't have it.

I fought cancer for 8 years and seven months, but now I don't have to fight it anymore, I took my medication and it all slowly went away, I was told that I was two weeks cancer-free on the thirtieth of January, i had a lot of emotions that day, first of all I cried in happiness that I wasn't dying but then it turned into being sad because I wanted to die. I don't know how I feel about it, I could finally be at peace if I did die but also I would have left Evie.
I think now is the time to tell you the story I kept quiet when we were dating. When I was smoking and drinking I knew you hated it, so I stopped, it was a hard and painful battle with a lot of tears, but I kept going so that I would be someone you were proud of and not ashamed of when I quit that's when self-harm came back into the picture the pain helped me with the craving of weed or a drink. There were most nights that I almost gave in. but I then thought of you and I knew I had to keep going. I haven't smoked or drunk since New Year's Eve, there's always going to be another battle but at least I've won three of them. Even though we broke up and now it feels like a bit of a waste of time to quit I still don't do it. So then I will be ready for you if we ever get together again, I don't think we will though, to be honest, I would never be able to date you after that but I did it just in case.
I love you, I think that it's clear that I do. And fuck do I miss you, my journey is taking a long time it is also painful. I just want you to answer my questions, but you always find a wao avoid them, I need closure. Does no one understand that?
It's the nineteenth of February, and I still am in this excruciating pain, still with nobody understanding. I need to smoke, but I physically can't bring myself to do it, I would fail you if I did. I'm getting dragged under once again, the minute I think I'm getting on top of everything and I think I've moved on, I just wake up and feel all this weight come back onto my shoulders. Maybe this is who I am, just someone who has lived with grief their whole life.
Love is fiction, also a distraction. Love distracts us from all the bad things in life, then when the love comes crashing down to the floor all I have is myself, and love has proved itself to be fiction,
Love will never exist, it's only found in worn pages of a book, nothing else. I miss you, I think I always will, but then again love is not real so I guess I just must feel weird without you in my life anymore.