The Truth

Part nine

I always wondered youd de angry wit me for not telling you wings. I also wondered it you'd be angry if I gave you this book. I hoped you weren't but I never knew.
There were times that l overdosed myself on my medication. I did it mostly every week. You knew about some because I came into school a little dopey. I didn't know if you thought I was being silly or if you knew I was overdosed.
I remember when I started writing books I was so focused on having a lot of chapters and having a thick book. One day I realised it doesn't matter how big the book is, how many chapters it has or how many words. All that matters is that it tells a good story because that's what makes it a good book.
There was going to be a time that I would die, I would die at a very young age, it was estimated about 20 years from then but it's just the fact that I can also feel my life slip away. I wanted people not to be sad when I die, because they would know I wouldn't be in pain anymore so frankly it was a relief.
I remember staring up at the ceiling during the night listening to my breathing machine squeal as it made me breathe. I only had to have my breathing machine at night so I would survive the night. I didn't have to have one but every time I went to sleep without the machine running l would wake up choking on my life. So I had to get that stupid breathing machine.

'Don't fear the past or the future love the moment'
That was your favourite quote, it always made me wonder, how can you not fear the future? I would always worry about it. But then again you loved it so I loved it.
There have been times that I would think about if this book became a film, I had no idea how it would be set or anything but it would be a good story.
I wanted to take English literature for my GCSE i knew what I had to do, i admit it's a challenging one, but I wanted to do it, i remember telling you that I wanted to do it for my GCSE you turned to me and said
"Do you know what you have to do in that?!"
Actually, I did, my brother took it for his GCSEs and passed it, so if he can pass his I can hopefully pass mine, although he did fail his English grammar which made no sense he  still gave it a go so I'm proud of him.

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing. I just prayed to a god that I don't believe in. I was in my bed thinking of you, looking at the smashed mirror with nothing to blame but that vodka in my hand. I was falling again. With no one to talk to, I felt I couldn't go to you because you were struggling with shit. I forced a smile onto my face and got on with it because that's always how I would cope with things, make myself feel happy when I really wasn't during the daytime and then at night I would drink myself away. That's the only way I could manage it at that moment.