The Truth

Part eighteen

It's the hardest thing when teachers talk about drugs, I immediately feel like crying, and the shock and hurt flash through me like there's no tomorrow. The gang was the hardest part, but I always had ebs to protect me from it all, she was like the leader but me and I were mainly our group. She'd always give me the drugs for free and make me take them when I needed to. It physically hurts when people mention drugs as a joke, and then I have to hide the thought that every night I wake up turning and tossing with sweat dripping off my body craving them. I can't turn back now, I've done so well. I just wish someone would say they were proud. All my mates turned their backs on me because I wanted to fix my life, except for Evie, who helped me give up. The void will be there for a very long time, maybe forever.
Watching you from the opposite side, watching you laugh and be happy with your life, seeing you succeed in everything you do. Then there's just me, not able to move on, but maybe that's a good thing that I'm not able to move on, I guess it kind of showed that I did care. You don't deserve someone like me, you deserve some sports like a person who would bring you flowers every day and make you happy all the time, that's just not me. I'm wrong for you on so many levels, I don't want to hurt you any more than I already have. You don't have to be sorry for leaving and moving on, I'm unable to be the right person, as much as I want to, you didn't like me so I changed, I don't think you ever saw that change. There's a long way for me to go, I don't believe time will change your mind, and it won't change mine either. We are no good for each other, you are too good for me and I will ruin you. You should be happy, I've realised that now. You can start a family that will show you love, but I will leave England and go home to Italy, and be on my own for the rest of my life. You know what I'm excited about being on my own, I can't damage anyone anymore, it's too painful to watch. It's that I can't control it, I try my hardest to not damage them but somehow I just do it naturally, with no effort needed. I don't want to hurt others, I don't understand how I hurt them, I guess they just find a bone to pick at, engrave their name and then walk off saying I hurt them. That I was bad for their mental health, but how, I try my hardest to always be there for them but then that's also not enough for them, so I am unlovable, and that's okay. I don't want to be made happy anyway, I can do it by myself, love isn't real, it doesn't exist, and love is a distraction in life. Nothing else, I hope you get your distraction.
It's strange how used I got to you, normally i don't get so comfortable with someone, but you changed that. I would always keep to myself making sure no one knew anything about me.
To be honest I wish I stayed that way. All my life I've been ashamed of myself, still am.
"Could the world buy such a jewel?" he said, the world cannot buy such a jewel like you, because it's too beautiful to be broken. Nobody could compare to you.
I want to cry and I want to love, but all my tears have been used up from love. I don't want to cry like that again because of love. Love is pain. Why can't life just be easy, no pain, no screaming, no punching, no anger, nothing? It's always on the tip of my tongue, but then when I try to speak nothing comes out. There is too much pain right now. Unexplained things happen in my head, I start to believe things have happened even though they haven't, I just need my head to be quiet.