The Truth

Part twenty

I guess this is the end, the key to a new door, a fresh chapter. I'm going to enjoy this summer, I'm going to make this summer the best one yet. The summer that I'm going to look back on, and think "Wow that was a good summer for a shitty year."

I've never felt so good.

To you,
We both know life is not easy, far from easy. But life does have its fun parts. I've spent my entire life wanting to have a happy life, and soon enough I did, I found half a year of happiness, turns out I was the reason that I was not happy, I know that makes no sense at all but let me explain it, my entire life I've been abused, and to this day I am still traumatised by it, but in some ways, it was my fault, the drinking and drugs made it all worse, I have stopped all of it. The pain had stopped while I was with you, I was happy, and you made me happy, except the end, which did not make me happy. I'm okay, I will be okay, I shall be okay I will force myself to be okay.
Love doesn't buy happiness, love only buys misery and pain. Even though love isn't for me, I would still like to feel love once in a while. I'm sitting here fixating on you with another person, to be honest, it makes me feel sick, somebody else touching you that isn't me. I don't stop thinking about you, my mind is just running through all these thoughts of you like
"Has she moved on" or "Has she cheated on me before?" I am paranoid about it all. I have no closure whatsoever. I need my closure. I need my answers. I tried to ask you things that I need answers for so I can move on but every time I tried to ask you would always say you felt sick from looking at your phone. In all honesty, during the summer it felt like you were cheating on me, I didn't want to say anything but it did feel like it. I know you're probably displeased that I wrote this, displeased on how I put this in so much detail. But don't you think I should have my freedom and voice? I've waited long enough. To be honest I have no idea how you're going to read this. But I hope someday you will. I'm not going to say everything about my life but I had the most important part of my life here, the most important part of my life was you. I never thought I would find myself completely and utterly consumed by another until you. Although, I'm no good for you so it will never work between us. I guess this is my goodbye, I have no idea what is going to happen next but I'm going to work on myself and watch you become happy. I'm sure my life will forever be miserable. I have to learn to accept that I will never be able to be yours, I will never be able to buy you flowers or hold you when you're sad, and I will never be able to make you happy. I also need to know that even though I tried to kill myself when I found out that you were cheating, I still have something to live for, god knows what it is but I guess there's something in the world waiting for me. I just wish I knew what it was.
Never in a million years would I have thought that / would be writing again. I spent years of my life agreeing I would never write again, but look at this, I've come back into the spotlight of writing. People always have to be careful about what they do to writers because they can always be revealed in their books. I guess that's why I enjoy it so much, being able to have a voice and I'm good at writing. I have no idea what I'm going to write next, but I know I will write again.