Mad World. Mad Love.| Levi x Reader

Chapter 12: Realization

First person POV: (Y/n)

We gathered the cats and left Hange to work on whatever they were working on and crashed in my room. Before settling down, I got some milk and small pieces of meat for the cats and cups of tea for me and Levi.

I don't even sit before I start talking again; "Look, I know you said that it's fine, but I really am sorry—"

"(Y/n), don't," Levi says, placing down his teacup and leveling me that blue-gray stare that recently has made me melt instead of freeze up like it had some months ago, "I get it, I really do."

"Still, it wasn't okay of me to just shut you out after we agreed to figure things out together," I argue and drag a hand through my hair.

In all honesty, in the time that I locked myself up in my room – even though for only a few hours – I had time to think. My emotions are a mess, I'm shocked that my mother is alive and Above, all that went down just last week, hell, even last month. None of us have really had time to process what has happened. Yes, we had downtime, but that was still packed with meetings and a shit-ton of organizing.

I don't know how to feel about everything that's gone down. Like we've lost so many good, seasoned soldiers in a matter of two months, most of Special Ops, Mike and his Squad and a fuck load of others.

The only thing I know is that I want to figure everything out with Levi beside me. That is the only thing I'm completely sure of. Everything else is just iffy.

Levi hadn't answered my last statement. He just watches as I pace the length of my room.

"I think I'm going to go and try, emphasis on try, to talk to my aunt tomorrow. Just to sort things out and see where she stands in this before we depart for the country side the day after tomorrow," I declare, looking at Levi where he's sat at an armchair. "I just have to know if I even have a reason to think of her after my mother has found my way up here. Maybe I can convince Ada that whatever my mother told her isn't as bad as it seems. I know I probably won't convince my mother but maybe I can at least have some contact from my aunt and her family, you know? Just some contact with my living relatives." I take a breath in after the monologue and lean against the desk in the middle of the room.

The soft pitter-patter of raindrops on the window fills the silence that falls. Levi still has said nothing. He's just listened to me rant and figure my own way out. And with a slight start I realize that that was exactly what I needed. For someone to listen to my rant and just stay by me while I figured things out for my own. Not try to solve them for me like I've read in books where the love interest solves all the problems for the main character.

No, this is not who Levi is. And this is not who I need.

"I know this is very off topic," I start and force down a small laugh, "But as you know, I'm becoming the Captain of my own Squad and I've literally got no idea what I'm doing or what I have to do. Any tips?"

"Get used to paperwork," Levi replies, taking a sip from his tea, "Keep a close eye on the Scouts who're not assigned to a specific Squad to see which suite best the criteria for who you want in your Squad, these are the first steps."

"That's a lot of first steps," I sigh.

"They're necessary."

I rake my hand through my hair and look up at the ceiling.

Lords above, why does everything have to be so complicated? Added to the hundreds of thoughts circling my head, I need to actually choose members for my Squad.

I laugh a little and look back at Levi, "To be honest...the last month has been so hectic that I'd just like to forget everything for a while." After saying the sentence I realize just how selfish and stupid it sounds. I'm literally becoming a superior officer in the Scouts and I want to forget what has happened?

Levi much read my face, because he stands from seat, makes his way to me and pulls me into a hug. I welcome it. To think that just about a month ago I would have probably punched him in the face for getting this close to me.

"I know what it feels like, it's nothing to be ashamed of," Levi says, his voice lose to my ear.

"It's not the same, Levi," I lean away from him a bit to look at his face, "You lost a whole squad, I just—some friends. It's not the same—"

"(Y/n), loss is a loss."

Uh oh. I haven't seen that face for some time. It's the don't give me your bullshit face. I smile slightly at the familiar face before leaning close.

"Didn't realize just how soft you'd gotten." Before he could object I press my lips to his and kiss him.

This right here is the only forgetting I can allow myself to have without any guilt.

These a few seconds of empty mind.

_____________________

Word count: 896

____________________

Zero Talks!!

Hello, my lovelies!

I have a serious question coming up, so I'd appreciate some answers, too. :) (No pressure, though, if you don't feel comfortable commenting, then that's okay, too.)

Before that, though, I'd like to apologize for not updating in such a long time. I've been busy with school, work and getting my licenses for a car and a motorcycle. I'll try to upload more now that school is starting to ease up a bit.

Anyway to the question; do you want this story to have written smut scenes? These chapters would of course have warnings in case some readers aren't comfortable with such themes. I am debating whether to write smut or not, so if y'all could express your opinions on the matter it'd make my life just a teeny pit easier.

Thank you for taking the time to read this and have a great day/ night or whatever you happen to have right now.

Love y'all!

-Zero