The Other McCall ▷ Stilinski

Chapter 9. Exasperating Expressions

"God, you're so stupid." I breathed out as I pressed my back against the door and slid to the floor. I closed my eyes briefly and let out a labored sigh. My chest was tighter than ever and I was attempting to calm myself down. I had every reason to tell Stiles how I felt about him and I screwed it up. I wish it wasn't so hard to be honest and open about my feelings, but I can have my father to thank for that. I've been an emotional train wreck since he left us.

Stiles wouldn't have feelings for me anyway, it's not like I'm losing anything by not telling him. If anything, I'm saving myself from more heartbreak. I ran my hands through my hair and realized that they were shaking. Why are my hands shaking? I need to calm down. I need to take a deep breath and just calm down. Stiles doesn't need to hear how I feel about him because he doesn't feel the same way. If I tell him, it will just screw things up between us and I don't want to risk doing that.

I've had one "boyfriend" my entire life, and that was in the fourth grade. I wouldn't even really consider him a boyfriend since I got tired of his antics two weeks in, and the only thing we did was sit together at the lunch table. I was a conservative kid apparently. I remember Stiles hating the fact that I had a "boyfriend" and he hated having to share our lunch table with him. Scott wasn't exactly his biggest fan either.

My throat was beginning to dry and I knew that I was starting to get to the point of no return, I had to find something to do to distract myself or at least talk about how I'm feeling. I fished my cell phone out of my back pocket and dialed Allison's number without hesitation. I'm not sure why she was the one I was choosing to go to with this issue, but I didn't have time to reconsider my choices before she answered.

"Hello?"

I cleared my throat as I began to speak, "Hey, I need to ask you something kind-of important.

"Okay," she said slowly. I'm guessing she could tell something was up by the tone in my voice, "Are you alright?"

My hands were still shaking as I let out a shaky breath, "Not really... I'm having a crisis, actually."

"About what exactly?" she asked hesitantly.

The silence between us became filled with the utmost of tension and as the thoughts raced through my head, I realized that I was actually going to tell someone how I feel about Stiles. I was going to let it slip past my lips and I never considered opening up about my feelings before, to anyone. Let alone my brother's kind-of girlfriend. Why did I call her again? Can I even trust her? I haven't known her long enough to be able to make that type of judgement, yet here I am.

My head was spinning, and the floor felt as if it were shaking. My skin was on fire and my hear was slamming against my ribs, feeling as if it were puncturing my lungs. I have no idea why I'm even considering doing this. I can't open up to someone because that means they have the opportunity to hurt me and I'm never giving anyone the opportunity to hurt me again, not like my dad. I can't continue to trust people and allow them to walk all over me and rip my heart out. I just can't do it.

"Kasey? I think I should call Scott, you're scaring me." Allison said rather quickly, her tone unsettling.

The thought of calling Scott and telling him that I'm scaring her, scared me. I know that he would know exactly what was happening and he would end up telling mom and I would end up getting put back on medication and sent back into therapy. I just got away from all that stuff a year ago, I don't want to go back down that road, not again.

"No," I rushed out quickly, "no, you don't need to call him. I'm just nervous, is all. I don't exactly have a lot of people that I open up to in my life and I needed someone to open up to... I'm sorry I called."