Benefits

Ch. 51: Ivy

"I thought that I was dreaming when you said you loved me."

Ivy- Frank Ocean

--

The car ride back was incredibly uncomfortably silent. I didn't know what to say to Jake. There was so much to say though. Maybe about the apologies of my father's terrible and out of character attitude. My mother's lack of words. The fact that we both confessed our love for each other, but we can't even look each other dead in the eye. If his outburst was even genuine or he said he loved me to spite my father. All of these thoughts rummaged my brain, but then I soon realize halfway through my mental breakdown; that we were turning around the direction to my house.

In fact, we were mere minutes away from my house. "What are you doing?" I scowl in deep confusion.

For a long minute he doesn't speak, then, "You should go back." He musters out, finally letting go of my hand that he was holding minutes ago to rest on the drivers wheel.

"What? No. No! Stop the car!" I yell frantically.

He shakes his head. I know this trick far too well. He's going to try to push me away like he always does.

With boldness, I unbuckle my seatbelt and open the car door, causing Jake to halt the car. "Are you crazy!" He shrieks to me. I shut the door, as I stare at the madness that flames onto him.

"I want to stay with you." I say calmly which contrast with what my actions were moments earlier.

"You're parents will just hate me more."

"Honestly I don't give a shit." I say plainly. He looks out to the window. "Look at me." I turn his face to me. "I want to stay with you."

His jaw tenses underneath my hand. "I... I love you." I muster out. The first time I've said it to him, and only him instead of an earlier crowd of my parents.

His eyes through his sunglasses look up to mine. Inner demons play within him to. "You don't have to say back if you don't want to." I tell him. "I just wanted you to know what I felt about you."

He doesn't say anything. But grasp my hand that's on his face and intertwines our hands on the console. He turns the key on; only mumbling me to put on my seatbelt. He turns back around towards the direction of his house.

And maybe I should feel heartbroken that he doesn't love me as I love him. That he only said those words to my parents so they would lay off our backs, but I meant it, and I will always mean it.

The house is empty. A crumbled note rested on the table. I can barely read it as Jake pulls me past the kitchen table.

Went out with some friend tonight, don't wait up- Terry

Not even a happy thanksgiving wishes is written.

We both just stand there in Jake's bedroom. He moves to one side of the bed, sitting.

Something was wrong, but I don't want to pressure him. Especially with my heart racing that I confessed my love to him. I stand there, in the middle of his bedroom. His back is to me. My eyes welling of tears, but I had no idea why.

"I w..." Jake mumbles inaudible words.

"Huh?" I asks softly. Taking another step towards his bed.

"I want to." He repeats, his voice stronger than before.

"You want to what?"

"I love you." He blurts out. Jake takes off his sunglasses and I'm rewarded with to see what he is really feeling. He's a feeling a lot, and that's for sure. "I wanted to say it back to you in the car earlier, but I just can't wrap my head around the fact that you love me too." He confesses.

"Why does that surprise you?" I take another step towards him, finally reaching his bed, so I decide to sit down. My heart breathes for the first time when he says he loves me too.

"Because I'm a fuckup, Dawn." He sighs, "I fuck everything up."

"Don't say that." I raise my hand to his face, but he doges it this time; putting both of his hands to mine to push it to my sides.

"No." He raises his voice. "If I would have never joined the Underground I wouldn't have to live in fear of Leger, I wouldn't have to be ruled under him."

"But your brother-"

"Where is he now? Out fucking around with god knows who and where. I did all this shit for him, risked my goddamn future and life for that piece of ungrateful trash. He doesn't do shit around the house; doesn't pay rent. Doesn't even have a real job except the Underground, and he hasn't won a match in months. If I didn't sign away my soul to Leger; he'd still be in the hospital, maybe even dead. But I would have had a life... with you. Maybe I would have been normal."

"I don't want normal, Jake. I want you. And yes I wish you never joined the Underground, but you would have never forgiven yourself if you gave up on Terry. And that's one of reasons why I love you."

There's silence afterwards, and I can tell he's figuring out a plan. He stops though, and looks at me. "I don't think I'll ever get use to that." His voice lowers in volume dangerously, his lips becoming increasingly close to mine.

"Use to what?" I ask just as softly.

"The I love you part." His hand reaches my cheek, pulling me closer to him.

"Better get use to it, bud. You're going to hear it a lot." I crack a smile at him.

Before I know it, his lips are on on mine. His thumb presses against my bottom lips, lowering it so his tongue enters my mouth with no struggle. A sigh passes through both our mouths as our tongue start to tangle.

He loves me. He really loves me. And even though I can already tell he may not say it often- hell he may never say it again and I wouldn't care because I know the truth. He loves me.

The slow sensual kiss was turning even slower rather than the heat that usually follows, but that doesn't stop my hands from tangling into his hair, or his hands reaching past my thighs.

I hiss a breath, leaving him to pull back away from me. I try to lean forward but he simply kisses my forehead. After, he rests his forehead against mine. "Still sore." His hands shadow the bruises that's on my thigh. My thin dress covers the mark but I can still feel the ache. "I want to fuck you so bad right now."

"Then do it."

He barley brushes my panties and I wince.

He laughs, "I'm not going to fûck you while you keep wincing like a virgin."

Ouch.

"I didn't mean it like that." He sighs. "Why do I always say the wrong thing?" I don't say anything. "Last night. Yesterday... was the best night of my life. You were perfect. I don't want you to think that it was terrible because it wasn't." I look down at his lap. "You were amazing." His hand cups my cheek to look up at his eyes this time.

I start to blush immensely. "You're just saying that."

"I'm not though, it's different when you love them." He rests his forehead agasint mine once more. "I love you." He practices each syllable.

"I love you."

Maybe it will take a minute for us to get use to these words to be said to one another, but I know how I feel- and from Jake's outburst with my father; I now know what he feels. Love.