Mesmerized

dos.

It was Saturday, I didn't have any plans and I wanted it to stay that way. My roommate Leilani and I were lounging in the kitchen as she perused a cook book. Leilani was possibly the only person that I considered a friend; normally I didn't let people too close to me because I knew that I would get bored of them and go ghost with no remorse. People were generally boring but not her; she switched up most things about herself on a regular basis, Leilani was a "wild child" who was filled with spontaneity and couldn't stay the same for too long without becoming antsy.

Normally I couldn't keep a friend for more than a year without picking their personality to shreds until I found a good enough reason to stop talking to them. At times the reasons were petty but I didn't care, if I didn't like any trait of theirs then it was reason enough to cut them off.

"I need to get these cupcakes right by Monday before I embarrass myself at my new job." Lani panicked as she tried to find a specific cupcake recipe.

A light hearted chuckled escaped my mouth, "Weren't you an art teacher last week?"

"I had that job for six whole months Ari! It was time for a change, those little kids were the only good thing about that job." Lani sighed wistfully. One thing that I admired about her was that she was fearless in every aspect of her life, I believed that it was why my standoffish personality never deterred her from befriending me when we first moved in together.

We were alike in that people didn't get to us, although the reasons were very different. The only person who could hurt me was myself and I wanted to keep it that way; no one could ever get a reaction out of me, no matter how hard they tried.

"Kids are the only true innocent people on this earth Lani, that's why we bend to their will so easily." I told her as I thought back to the two months I had spent working in the Pediatric wing of the hospital when budget cuts were at their worst. I almost didn't want to return to the ER after working with the children- only almost.

Lani's face lit up as she found the recipe that she was looking for, "Well they can save their cute ass witchcraft for someone who has the time for it girl, but it ain't me."

"I heard that! I'm going to the store." I checked the time and pushed myself out of my chair. I needed something to do and grocery shopping would be the most productive use of my time.

My roommate groaned, "That's the part when you're supposed to ask me if I need anything from there." She laughed which caused me to roll my eyes, "I'll text you a list and the money will be on the counter for you when you're done getting ready."

I stuck my tongue out at her then retreated to my bedroom. Lani never took my personality as a personal offense, it was one of the reasons that we got along. She always tried to tell me what the appropriate behavior was in certain situations but never forced me to go along with it. I quickly got ready in a basic outfit and left my apartment. Earphones were plugged into my ears as soon as I got onto the street, I hated to hear the things that men shouted in my direction as I minded my business.

My feelings about men were mixed; all men weren't trash but a lot of the ones that I knew and came into contact with seemed to be. Men had this strange sense of entitlement to women's bodies and attention and were quick to act aggressive when they didn't get what they believed that they deserved. However I knew a good amount of men who were amazing; my father for one was possibly the greatest man on the planet, I may have been biased but it was what I believed to be true.

My dad allowed me to be myself and never interfered with my process; he knew that I didn't like to have conversations everyday but he was sure to call or text at the end of the week to check on me. He was that way with my mother and all of my siblings; he took the time to figure us out and then found ways to be involved but not overbearing.

A lot of men that I'd been with only drove me further into my shell with how insistent they were about everything; I couldn't handle being in a relationship because the only person that I ever devoted large amounts of time and love to was myself. I didn't want to be anyone's anything and I'd felt that way for a very long time. I couldn't remember when or why I shut off emotionally but it was all that I knew and I had no interest in changing. I preferred to use men like toys and never got attached to them, I didn't care how they felt about it.

I shook my thoughts away when I arrived at the store and immediately checked mine and Lani's text thread to see what she needed. Unsurprisingly it was mostly baking supplies, only Lani would devote most of her day to finding a recipe without ever checking to see if she had the ingredients.

Someone tapped my shoulder and I reluctantly took one earbud out.

"I thought that was you." Shiloh smirked when he got my attention.

I sighed and let him hug me; physical contact wasn't my favorite thing in the world. "Hey Shiloh, I haven't seen you in forever."

"You ain't really been lookin' either though, right?" He said lowly, Shiloh was- not an ex but a something.

I nodded with a humorless chuckle, "Right, you know that I don't ever look."

We met on a blind date that our overeager parents set us up on; neither of us was looking for anything serious but we continued to see each other for a while until he started to want more than sex from me; unfortunately it was all that I could give him.

"Lo sé, nena, ¿tu número de teléfono sigue siendo el mismo?" (I know babe, is your phone number still the same?) Shiloh asked me as a group of people walk passed us.

"¿Planeas llamarme? No busca amor." (Do you plan to call me? I'm not looking for love.) I whispered, Shiloh was fun as long as he knew my limits.

Shiloh chuckled, "Llamame cuando quieras divertirte." (Call me when you want to have fun.) He kissed me on the cheek and walked away. I would definitely take him up on his offer, I wondered what caused him to change his mind for a total of one second before shrugging; I didn't care.

I finished up my shopping and left the store, ready to get back indoors. I deposited the groceries and put them away as soon as I got home, Lani excitedly gathered the ingredients and then began to make her cupcakes. I laughed as I watched her and wondered how long it would take for her to grow tired of her new profession. We talked and I let her know about the little firefighter from the day before as well as my run in with Shiloh.

"Stick to Shi please, I don't need you fucking up a cute little firefighter." Lani joked as she tasted the batter with a smile.

I rolled my eyes, "He'd call himself tryna change me; I know his type."

There were different types of men and I was one hundred percent sure that the firefighter whose name I'd already forgotten would fall into the "fixer" category. The guys who saw certain traits as flaws that needed to be fixed and I wasn't in the mood for it. If I needed anything it was a likeminded individual who would use me in the same way that I wanted to use him.

"Chile probably, you got shit to work on but you'll do it when you're ready and hopefully with the help of a professional." Lani waved her spoon at me and I nodded. She was right, I knew that there would come a time when I wanted to empathize with others or at the very least care about someone.

For the time being I was completely content with who I was and I had enough sense to know that the way I thought wasn't necessarily normal. It was fine as long as I didn't hurt anyone and I had no intention of doing that; on purpose anyway.