Mesmerized

diecinueve.

Two months had passed, and I'd gotten myself into a new routine; go to work, never miss a session with Dr. Jade and I split my free time between my family, Lani and Mahdi. It was Thursday and I'd asked for the daytime shift so that I could sit down with my brothers after work. Though it took longer than I would've liked, I'd finally felt strong enough to discuss the events that led to me closing myself in a way that had hurt everyone who wanted to be there for me.

I knew that it wouldn't be easy, but I'd woken up less nervous than I'd gone to sleep- a small victory. I'd been awake for a few minutes when Mahdi called me; throughout the months, we'd gotten each other's schedules down to a science, something that was necessary with the jobs that we had.

"Good morning, Taylor." My voice was thick with sleep as I walked towards the kitchen.

"Hey Santos, you're still off this weekend, right?" He asked me, the sounds of the lively firehouse could be heard in the background.

I chuckled as I heard Gabe shout something, "Yeah, I'm off. ¿Tienes planes para mi?" I asked him. (Do you have plans for me?)

"I think I understood the word 'plans' and yes. I want to spend the weekend with you." Mahdi's voice took on the same bashful tone that it did whenever he overthought his words.

I let him sweat for a second, relishing in the rarity of me having the upper hand. "The entire weekend? That's a big step." I told him.

We'd spent countless hours together, but we'd never had a sleepover; we hadn't even moved past making out. I didn't want to overthink it as I knew that Mahdi was in it for more than something strictly physical and he wanted us to get to know each other without complicating it with sex. However, I was losing my mind and I wasn't entirely sure that I could maintain our present dynamic if we were together for an entire weekend.

"That's what I said." Mahdi replied; amusement evident in his voice.

I grabbed some fruits from the refrigerator and got comfortable at the kitchen table.

"What about Cairo?" I asked him, I'd made it clear to him that I understood that I couldn't be his number one priority and never wanted him to shirk his responsibilities as a father in order to indulge me- no matter how much I enjoyed his company.

Mahdi paused; it was impossible to interpret the silence when I couldn't see his face. "My parents are taking her to Disney for a pre-birthday celebration." He explained.

"Hmm, well I see why you'd want my company." I popped a few grapes into my mouth while I waited for him to respond.

He chuckled; I could see him shaking his head so vividly in my mind's eye. "Is that a yes?"

I bit my lip, "It's a fuck yes."

"Relax, I'll pick you up tomorrow after your shift." Mahdi laughed softly, "I gotta go, Santos."

I pouted; the conversation was too short for my liking. "Have a good shift, Taylor."

After our conversation ended, I started to get ready for work and hoped that I'd be able to focus while I was on the job. Things in the ER went back to normal after I returned, the first few days were strange; I had flashbacks of the shooting victims for a while, but I got through it with the help of Dr. Jade. One fear of mine was that I wouldn't love my work there any longer, thankfully it was the opposite; I worked harder and did whatever I could to help save as many patients as possible while coming to terms with the fact that we couldn't save everyone.

The best way for me to cope with the trauma that I witnessed on a daily basis was by removing my ego and personal feelings from my job, it was healthier than being overly involved. I wasn't God, I couldn't save everyone just because I wanted to and becoming too emotionally invested only clouded my judgement and hindered my abilities. My shift was calm for the most part, something that I appreciated immensely; if we didn't have patients, then it meant that people weren't being hurt and that was something to be thankful for.