Mesmerized

treinta y cinco.

My mind was a mess the next morning and I feared that Mahdi's ever vigilant eyes would see right through the facade that I intended to put on. I was proud and immensely astonished by the progress that I had made in my life, but certain things had a way of punching me in the gut and leaving me feeling powerless. Love was definitely one of them. Though the realization of my deep feelings for Mahdi had come out of nowhere, the sobering weight of actually saying what I felt out loud left me feeling uncomfortably inept. He hadn't woken up yet, and I slowly and quietly got out of bed while clutching my cellphone to my chest. I locked myself in the bathroom and dialed my father's number and prayed that the shock of receiving a phone call from me wouldn't make his heart give out.

"¡Mija! Are you okay?" My father answered immediately, voice dripping with the concern that I'd expected.

I smiled fondly while picturing his pacing form. "I'm fine papa, I called to ask you and mama to come somewhere with me."

"Like what? Lunch, dinner?" He questioned, slipping into his detective persona.

The smile hadn't left my face, even as I said the next words. "No," I cleared my throat. "I've been in therapy for a few months and my doctor thinks a family session will help me." I spat the words out rapidly in fear that I would lose my nerve if I took my time.

"Therapy? Arinze Natalia Santos! Why didn't you say anything?" He almost sounded betrayed.

I sighed softly, "Papa, I wasn't ready to talk about everything; but I am now... and I would love to be close to you and mami again."

There, the words were out. With that admission, I felt more exposed than ever before. My parents had to have noticed that I was spending more Sundays at the dinner table, but maybe they were afraid to read too much into it. After all, I was there physically, but I still held back emotionally. It was easier to get there with my brothers, Lani and even Mahdi...or maybe that was just the fear talking like Dr. Jade had suggested time and time again.

My father had been silent for a while, and I immediately feared rejection. "Papi? ¡Por favor di algo!" (Daddy? Please say something!) Then I heard it, the soft whimper that signified the true reason for his silence.

"Gracias a dios por traer de vuelta a mi hija." (Thank god for bringing my daughter back) He whispered to himself more than to me, "We will be there, give me the time and date and we will be there, no matter what." My father's solemn words left no room for doubt.

I hadn't realized that tears had fallen until I felt the salty liquid pooling at the bottom of my chin. "I have a session next Tuesday and ten."

"Tuesday and ten it is Renny. Te quiero mucho, mija." (I love you so much) My father responded.

The words seemed easier in my native tongue, more sincere and in that moment, I could either brush off the sentiment like I usually did, or I could face my fears head on. "Thank you, papa... y te quiero también." (...and I love you too) My tears flowed afresh, though all I felt was relief.

He was silent after that, then cleared his throat and returned his tone to the macho, gruff one that I adored. "Okay, see you Sunday for lunch?"

"Sure, there are a few things that I should catch you guys up on before the session." I shuddered at the thought of telling them about my promotion, Mahdi- anything that brought them closer- it wasn't apprehension anymore, it was strictly guilt for keeping them at arms-length for so long.

We talked for a few minutes before I heard a knock on the bathroom door.

"I gotta go, but we'll talk more on Sunday." I told my father.