Mesmerized

veintinueve.

I'd woken up the next day with an overall feeling of numbness and as I got ready for work, I tried to think as little as possible. Mahdi wouldn't be off work until seven and by that time I'd already be at work, there wasn't anything that I could do until my shift ended, so I pushed my feelings to the back of my mind and powered through. Lani groggily stuck her head into my room to check on me, just as I was getting ready to go.

"How are we feeling today?" She asked me calmly.

I shrugged, "I'm deciding that I don't feel anything until I speak to him." It wasn't the complete truth, but I had no interest in rehashing the conversation. "I just want to do my job today."

Leilani's mouth opened and closed repeatedly, before settling on the tiniest sigh. "Alright, Ari. Make sure to text him and let him know that you'll be away from your phone until your break."

"I will, I gotta go." I told her; unlike the day before, I was running behind schedule. "Thanks for checking on me." I gave her a quick hug, then left without another word.

The text that I sent to Mahdi was succinct; whenever he was able to check his phone, he'd be informed that I couldn't speak to him until my shift was done. After sending the message, I continued my journey to the hospital. When I arrived, I quickly stashed my things in my locker and then got to work. The traffic in the hospital was moderate; there were a few serious trauma cases, as well as people who presented with injuries from the usual household accidents. I went wherever Nurse Tyler ordered me to, she'd seemed bewildered at the ease in which I conceded to her every command; it wasn't the way that it usually went with us.

At the moment, I didn't have the mental capacity to showcase my full personality; instead I was this docile thing who went wherever she was called, obedient and accommodating. The worst part was that I wasn't trying to be nice, I simply didn't care enough to challenge anything. It wasn't the worst way to be in my line of work, so I let that version of myself take control while I hid in the recesses of my mind. Working like that made the time fly, though when my shift was ending, all I wanted to do was stay there. Like the day before, Nurse Tyler dismissed me and all I could offer her was a stiff nod before I walked away.

The first thing I did when I got back to the locker room, was check my phone, then I felt my stomach contract into a ball of nerves. Mahdi had replied just as succinctly as I did.

Something is up with you. I'll be in the parking lot at five.

A groan escaped me, why did he have to be so... right all the time? Slowly, I collected all of my personal belongings, and went to join my boyfriend in the parking lot. True to his word, Mahdi was parked in the same area that he usually did and was absentmindedly flipping through a newspaper as I approached. My fingers tapped on the glass of the passenger side window to get his attention, he noticed me and unlocked the door. His face remained guarded; I was used to him in a lot of ways but guarded was not one of them.

"What's up with you? We've barely communicated since Saturday, and don't say you've been working; all we do is work. It's never been like this." Mahdi didn't hold back as he spoke, though his tone remained level.

I bit the inside of my cheek, because I was shocked to find that I wasn't overwhelmed with guilt like I thought I would be. "I needed some space from you, Mahdi."

"Why? Tell me what happened between Saturday night and Sunday morning for you to be so cagey with me." He made no move to start the car, so I assumed that the conversation couldn't be put off any longer.

My mouth twisted into a grimace, "Do you really not recall what you said to me? You told me that you lo- ugh, you said that word to me." I hated the fact that I couldn't even bring myself to say it.