Mesmerized

diecisiete.

Session five. I sat across from Dr. Jade while gripping my journal tightly; Lani had suggested that I read parts of it to her so that she could help me.

"I've never told anyone this; not even my family knows the whole story." I said to the woman, "But I think I understand why you're the person that I should tell."

Dr. Jade nodded, encouraging me to continue.

"When I was thirteen, two of my cousins were shot and killed in front of me." I bit my lip to calm myself down as emotions rushed to the surface. "The shooter looked at me and winked before driving away; I ran and pretended that I'd never been there, acted shocked when I was notified with the rest of my family."

I read from the journal as I detailed the experience; I wasn't supposed to be there; they'd convinced me to skip school to hang out with them. No one in my family knew that I'd been there, and guilt ate at me over time.

"Maybe I was supposed to die there, maybe not; all I know is that I lost more family members that year to guns, but I only cried at Milo and Alejandro's funeral. I think that I died with them, or at least my heart did." I closed my journal, deciding to pick at my cuticle as I waited for Dr. Jade to chime in.

She nodded in understanding, "I think that we've hit an important milestone here Arinze." Dr. Jade commented.

"How so?" I regarded her quizzically, my throat raw as though I'd been eating glass; it was what telling her my truth felt like.

Dr. Jade leaned forward in her seat, setting her notebook down. "Your emotional block was born of a desire to restrict your experiences; your guilt made you feel undeserving of love and happiness."

I took her words in, her assessment made sense; though I wasn't sure how I could fix that problem.

"We need to work through that grief and guilt Arinze; it's going to be a painful process for you, but it will change your outlook on life." Dr. Jade answered my question, "You need to understand that what happened wasn't your fault, there's nothing to feel guilty about Arinze."

I shook my head, eyes becoming unfocused as she spoke. "I get what you're saying Doc, believe me. Why should I get to grow old, or take comfort in the arms of my family? They don't get to do that."

For the first time in ten years, I felt my cheeks dampen with the tears that I'd shed. Just like I'd thought, the tears wouldn't stop after I'd let them fall; I shook with them, felt my head begin to throb as it fell into my hands.

"Let it out, this is good Arinze, do you understand that this is progress?" Dr. Jade's voice was like a distant echo, barely audible over the noise in my own head.

She handed me a box of tissues that I gratefully took, trying to calm myself down; I wasn't sure how long I sat there with tear filled eyes, "I hate this." I muttered under my breath as I collected myself.

"Focus on moving forward Arinze, it's clear that you're finally willing to trust the process; so trust it." Dr. Jade smiled kindly. "Our time is up, but I want you to continue to explore these thoughts; more importantly, I want you to genuinely enjoy yourself. Go out with your friends, have a quiet night with your family; anything, but don't be a bystander Arinze, be an active member of the group."

I nodded, discarding my used tissues into a bin before leaving, I turned around when I reached the end of the hallway and mouthed a thank you to Dr. Jade. Like always, one of my brothers was waiting for me; Izan was standing outside as he talked on the phone, a call that was ended as soon as he saw me coming.

The ride was quiet for the most part, I was afraid that I'd break down again if I opened my mouth and I wasn't prepared to experience that feeling again so soon after the last time. Before I got out of his car, I promised to be present at the next family dinner; determined to follow Dr. Jade's guidance. Fear still loomed over me, even as I made the plans; I was afraid of what they'd all think of me if they knew that I'd run away that day, it was the biggest and most impactful lie that I'd ever told.