Mesmerized

veintidós.

I couldn't stop staring at him. Mahdi fucking Taylor had done something to me; there was an extra layer of sensations attached to the sexual pleasure that he'd given me, though I couldn't quite understand why. Fear was beginning to creep into me again at the idea of being consumed by him, because that was inevitable. Mahdi was more than a man, he was a mesmerizing force of nature that never failed to leave me wanting more.

After the much-needed massage, we'd retired to our room where we did little more than talk and I appreciated that. Sex was a tool that I used to relieve tension or to distract myself from whatever else was happening in my life; it was all I'd ever known the act to be. Yet, after what I'd experienced with Mahdi, I felt out of my depth yet again. He was just- good, at everything- too good to be true. There was a sublime slowness to the pace of our conversations, like we wanted to understand each other so well that no topic could be merely glossed over.

"I grew up always feeling like I couldn't lie; I mean I could, but there wouldn't really be a point." Mahdi and I were discussing our childhoods and searching for more commonalities. "So I followed all the rules and never disobeyed my parents. The typical poster child for good behavior."

I leaned closer to him, careful not to touch him as he continued.

"Having a therapist and a lawyer for parents made lying sort of futile. My mother would see right through it and my dad- well you know how that goes." He laughed, "What about you?"

I shrugged, "I'm a better liar because of my parents' professions." I told him, "My dad is a cop and my mother is a nurse at a drug treatment center. People lie to them every day, I just had to be better than them. Typical rebel child that your parents told you to stay away from." I murmured.

"Opposites attract." Mahdi winked. "What's the biggest lie that you've ever told them?"

It was a loaded question with several answers. I could practically see the crossroads in front of me; on one path, I would tell a light story to preserve the mood and on the other path, I would be completely transparent with him. It was a test in a way, to see how far I had truly come from the first day that we'd met. His warm hand cupped my cheek and brought me back to reality.

"Where'd you go just now?" His eyebrows furrowed. "We don't have to talk about that right now."

I took a deep breath and shook my head, offering up a small smile. "Intimacy, right?" I asked him, referring to his goals for our time together.

He nodded, and I launched into the story of the biggest lie that I'd ever told. The one that I was in therapy for and the one that I was finally putting to rest. I peeked at him as I spoke, making sure that he was still with me; unsurprisingly, he was listening intently. 

When I finished, I smiled at him, a little more confidently. "And there you have it; the biggest and heaviest lie that I've ever told."

"I understand you more now, we don't have to get into the specifics because I'm sure you've heard it all from your therapist." Mahdi cradled the back of my head and kissed me softly on the forehead. "Thank you for opening up to me, I know that it doesn't come naturally to you."

I nodded, "I don't wanna talk about it anymore, did I completely kill the vibe?" I asked him, almost certain that he wasn't expecting the kind of story that I'd shared with him.

"Nah, we're good. I just want to feel close to you in ways that really matter." Mahdi smiled at me, pulling me so that my torso was laying across his legs.

I bit the inside of my cheek as I considered how I felt. "I get it now; I couldn't do this a few months ago. The whole talking about feelings and having a genuine connection with someone always made me uncomfortable."