Dickhead Syndrome

Diagnosis

I didn't mean to hurt her much less kill her. I have been trying my hardest to forget what I did in the past. She looks so hopeless and so dreadful, and it's because of what I did and what some of my friends did. It was all a joke at the time. I thought she liked it, she was smiling and giggling! Like how could we have known she was faking it. Okay, well maybe that is a little overdrawn, she told us numerous times to "Fuck off and leave me alone" we didn't think she was actually mad at us. Okay, maybe another lie, I just want to feel better after what I did to her. I have tried to forget how much pain I caused her. If only... If only I could go back to the past, and change what I did then maybe she wouldn't react as for how she is right now. We just were dickheads that's what I will name it, dickhead syndrome. After all, we were serious jerks to her. When she comes down the hallway of the school I see all of her colors in her face disappear I see how she just stops talking to her friends and just stares into oblivion. I wish I could go up to her and say sorry, but I don't think she will appreciate me acknowledging her presence. I wish she wouldn't have pain screaming from her eyes the instant she sees me. I wish we could just be cool. I think she wants to kill me for all the shit I pulled but hey I kinda deserve that okay maybe not kinda but I do deserve it. What could be so bad you may ask? Well, you see... We were serious ass wholes, never stopped for anybody and anything. But we should have. We made fun of all of her hobbies, creations, hairdos, singing, playing, goofing off, dressing, phone, and more. We made fun of her with everything and anything we could have thought of. Which was childish and stupid but instead of us paying the price she seems to be. I wish there was one chance we could be given to go back. Or at least I do. I wish but wishing won't get me anywhere, I just hope she doesn't feel the same. I hope that she can forgive me one day, I hope she never stops dreaming. But I know she won't do any of this because we taught her not to do the things she loves. I only hope she will forgive me because I need it and I would just feel better. She has said things that were funny to us and serous for her. And yet we made fun of her for it. I just hope it doesn't stop her from doing the things she loves. We go to the same school, I am in her class. But I must have faith that she doesn't fear me and think im harmful for her wellbeing. Every day we go to school, I try to look at her but it's like she knows my eyes presence because then she looks straight back at me and shuffles herself in her chair and tries to disappear. I see it in her eyes she wants to leave this place but I think it is out of my hands now. I just want to say sorry and ask her if she is okay, I want to know she is okay and not just saying it so I leave her alone. She is a complete mystery to me, and as I am to her. I didn't mean any of it. I just hope she knows that.

Chapter 2

I saw him today. Yes him, the him who made my life miserable the guy who made me want to jump in front of a train and die. He was trying to look at me. I saw him and I felt uncomfortable I felt shivers going down my spine. I remembered the stuff he pulled. I just wish I could be me. I wish I could be as I used to be which was happy. Funny I can't remember how happy I used to be but I know I was happy. Up until they saw me and decided I was worth being hurt and being thrown down and stomped on like a towel. I just wish my teachers dont give me a assignment that I have to do with him. Something will spark in his brain and make him come after me again. I fear for my hope that I have left which could be easily destroyed. I fear for my life. I fear for it because he is there and maybe it's not in my life to be the person I want to eb. I have been having nightmares. Nightmares of him hurting me so bad I don't want to sleep, but I do because I know I will die if I don't sleep. And I want to live. I want to fight, my friends offer to punch them out and her them but, I don't want them to be hurt as I am. I'm pretty sure I have Complex Post traumatic stress. Because there are so many problems with me and it's all because they opened their mouths. They opened the door up. While my hand was on the hinge of the door. I hope one day the have realized what they have done to me and what they have done is wrong, I hope that someone else hurts them they way they hurt me. But I hope it never happens to them because it is the most painful thing in your mindset to have. I had a panic attack. I was heading to the washroom to change my pad today, I saw him working by the bathroom he looked at me and started talking and the looked back at me with that villany evil mockery smile. I got in the bathroom stall. Then I woke up, I woke up from fainting. I woke up to not being able to breathe. This pain in my chest awoken as I grabbed the my chest trying to breathe I took of my shirt because I felt caged in. Why me. I had the choice to leave school but I thought they would become better people. I thought he would be a better person, but I was wrong and i'm paying for it. Why am I so stupid. They have impacted me so bad I feel disabled I feel crippled. I feel like I don't belong. Why did I allow them to mock me I should have hurt them when I had the chance.. Im failing all of my grades im dying on the inside and nobody realizes it. I make poems thinking maybe someone will hear my pain and ask me if i'm okay. I just want to be loved I want to be known as a good friend and not a moody person. I don't want to be known as "that person" what I mean by that is a total bitch the one day and an angel the next. I guess it all depends on what angle you look at me from. I hope that there is no racism and no bullying but that's not how the world works. The world works because of the society and we all pick on one another so we don't get eaten by the vultures and so we don't feel less. I wish they would deliver me an apology but it's not only their fault I chose to stay and that was one of my worst decisions to this day. I would accept their apology and then maybe I would be able to live kindly in my dreams. And most of all be free.