Dickhead Syndrome

Getting Back Up

You know when they say to get back up onto the saddle that you just fell off of? Well in all honesty that was the first time I cried. Everyone has been treating me differently. I guess they now know I have feelings. Its been 3 weeks since the whole funeral of the day happened. I walked down-stairs to train. 

Everyone knew I was training a lot harder than normal. Barely any of them talked to me because they knew deep down I was broken. They knew it because never had I ever shed a tear much less have a full blown crying problem. They looked at me with pity, no longer as if I was there Idol. They used to... But now they don't. Just another thing I lost. I would hit the fighting bags until my knuckles would turn brown and yellow. 

I would kick until my legs felt numb. I would hit the bags with my elbows. I would be drenched in sweat by the time afternoon came. I was sweating a lot. But I needed to to push ups and sit-ups, Squats. I kept doing it. I was pushing myself past the limit that I had never passed before. I had to keep going. If I stopped it would be nonsense. I had to be ready. I had to be ready to defend everyone. I had to be ready to make sure no one could hurt anyone else again.  

Now that I finished air, and dry land things I had to do a swimming test. I walked over to the pool and put on my swimming suit as I hopped into it. I did laps. I needed to keep excising it would take my mind off of everything and give me pain. Something I felt like I deserved.  I kept doing laps, I would spin, breathing exercises. I got out of the pool and changed and headed back upstairs. I felt dizzy but I didn't let it faze me. I was ready to get vengeance. It was time I take things seriously. 

When I walked up the stairs all of my girls knew it somehow. They came to me immediately and stopped talking. "We found out the other driver was a hit and run. That's all we found out." Of course. 

Makes sense. Hop out of the car as it rams into the other one. Only leaves 1 victim. "Get everyone training and see what else you can find out." I spoke sharply. 

"Yes Mam!" They all looked at each other. I could feel them looking at me without understanding what was going through my mind. 

I could feel the tension in the air. They all were hesitant around me. I walked to the kitchen and made them all dinner, a healthy one. "Dinner!" I shouted. 

Everyone came and served up. I walked away and into my room. I turned off the light and crawled into bed. All of my muscles ached. "Chloe." Drew's voice could be heard on the opposite side of the door. 

I sighed quietly as I sat up-straight. "Come in." No one has mentioned me crying since the whole incident happened. I could feel my gut twist. 

"What is going on?" I shrugged and smiled it off you can do that all the time and no one will know. 

"Nothing." 

"I can see you tried to smile, but you still somehow didn't and your eyes tell another story. Your habits have tell-tales too. You haven't eaten in days, you don't play with the girls with games-"

"That's because I have to train."

"Seven hours a day? You wake up at five go down stairs don't stop training till three or four. today you didn't stop training till six! That is thirteen hours!" I shrugged. 

"I need to be ready."

"We all are." 

"One mistake is all it takes." I spoke. 

"Look, Chloe you didn't eat anything today either. You haven't been able to speak with hesitance at the start. You aren't alone and I am here. Hell we all are here. You are safe. It isn't your fault that you lost your boyfriend. None of this is your fault." I shook my head that was where he was wrong. 

"Your wrong. I shouldn't have been kidnapped." 

"But you were, and don't forget the amazing things you did. But you, you just seem to have lost that motivation and your working out to get the motivation that you need, but you are looking for it in the wrong places. You need your fire back. We can be the spark."

"It's not that easy. It's not easy to fight back when you lost hope, when you lost everything. Cameron stick by me through thick and thin. He helped me, I helped him. I lost Cameron, and I feel like I will never get a boyfriend ever again. I will never get a boyfriend like him again." I tightened my grip on my blankets making a fist of it. 

"Well, Let's take one step at a time." I scoffed. 

"How do you expect that?"

"You let someone work out with you." 

"Fine." Only because I don't want to argue. 

"See! That right there is how I know your not okay! You would fight back, but you didn't. I never had a girlfriend. But I do know it is someone who is important to you. When I think of loosing anyone of my friends I understand why you are acting this way. You feel as if you lost hope and faith. But if you still feel like this, I will start to feel like this."

"Why?"

"Because I don't want to loose you." I shook my head that was so unfair. 

"I don't care if you feel mad that I said that, but I don't want to loose you. I want to see you happy not see you crumbling beneath me or in-front of me." He spoke as he put his hand on my shoulder rubbing it graciously. 

"We will get through this. It just takes time." I nodded. 

He slowly walked out of my room and I just watched him walk away. Maybe he gave me a tiny bit of ignition with one of the worst talks to be said in history. Maybe I should just relax, but won't they look for us? If the will look for us haven't they started? Will they find us here? I sighed. 

Only time will tell. But, for now I am exhausted. I snuggled in my sheets lying down on my back and closed my eyes that were ready for a night sleep.

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