His Getaway (bxb) | ✔

24. drown

You guys know the drill. Vote, comment, follow. Ily✨

EVAN WOLFE

I had been to three therapy sessions in the last two weeks and yet we were no closer to letting his pack members know that we are together.

All he would tell me was how desperate he was for me to get professional help and I couldn't say no to him. God, I was so weak for him.

Although I hadn't heard from Caleb since before my first session. His dad made a surprise visit and has been spending time with him ever since. He hasn't been at training, he hasn't made any direct contact with me and it hurt. I understood because he was with his dad and he doesn't want him to find out about us but it still killed me inside.

After my sessions I reached out to him but I got nothing back, he was completely blocking me out. That only made everything more difficult mentally for me.

I underestimated how hard the first session was going to be. Having to bring up your past with every little bit of detail, remembering how you felt, remembering what you saw, what you did to yourself. It was haunting.

My eyes were damp the whole time, every moment was painful to remember but Hayley my therapist told me that it's good to get these emotions out. It's step one of acceptance. She told me that these feelings will never go away but I can suppress them through different mechanisms and working towards enjoying the things in my life right now.

She said that we have a lot of work to do and that I should have got therapy a long time ago.

I kept the suicide attempts and self harming descriptions to a minimum, I was scared that she was going to get me detained.

The second session wasn't any easier but this time I knew what to expect. She dug deep, deep into my mind. Every aspect of my dark thoughts. The things I was saying made me feel disgusting, I had so much self hate for something that was beyond my control.

By the third session I had run out of tears. My eyes were bone dry and instead I just felt down.

Hayley kept telling me that therapy isn't meant to be easy. You don't have a few sessions and then all of a sudden you're fixed, it doesn't work that way. This type of healing could take years, years before I even forgive myself for half the things I have done.

After each session I went back to my room and lost all control of myself. My chest heaved and I couldn't catch my breath. The demons were crawling inside of me, thrashing and screaming. My body felt like it was possessed.

I wanted to hurt myself so badly but I didn't.

Instead I knelt in rice, the feeling so alien to me as I hadn't done it in such a long time. It fucking burned my pride but I deserved it.

The skin on my knees were pierced and I bled.

My head was a mess and I was having dangerous thoughts. All I wanted was Caleb and he couldn't even spare me five minutes away from his dad.

Anger builds inside me as I think about how much I was relying on Caleb to make me feel better but it's what I needed. Someone to distract me from these vile thoughts that circulate around my brain like a broken record.