The Big Dipper

Azkaban

Azkaban was cold.

Cold seeped into his very bones, leached slowly through his veins, his heart trapped in the clutch of an icy, unforgiving hand. His head rolled back, scraping against rough stone marred by scratches, scratches that may have been his, scratches that may be older than he was. Bony back pressed to the damp wall, weak legs splayed on the bare floor, he trembled through his threadbare clothes.

A hand — or was it a paw, or something else entirely? — gripped a rusty bar, the touch of the metal biting. Had the bars always been so far apart? A rush of clothes, a creak of bones, the torn page crumpled in his pocket, and then he dissolved into a bundle of fur, matted and stretched over shaking limbs.

A sudden wave of despair flooded through the bars, swirling and searching for a soul to further break apart. He cowered, curling into the wall, the corner, frantic to avoid the icy hands and the frost that followed but too weak to do so.

Azkaban was cold.

His eyes stayed closed until some of the cold retreated, satisfaction stinging just as much. Bitter emptiness returned, the sudden burst of hate enough to propel him to his feet or his paws or whatever was carrying him towards the bars blocking his freedom.

Fur brushed against metal. He ducked as another wave of despair rolled in, but it paid him no mind. Was it madness or freedom he had reached? Did paws scraped raw slink through the shadows or was he still trapped, trapped in the cell, trapped in his own mind?

Wind roared suddenly, the spray of the sea freezing, but neither bit or stung as much as despair. Despair, regret, rage, guilt. His memories hurt the most, but when he plunged into the briny depths it was the memories that kept him afloat.

The water was cold.

Voices swam in his head as he paddled furiously to keep his head above water, voices that filled him with longing while waves of guilt crashed over his head. Was it the water that clung to his fur and threatened to pull him into the depths of the sea? Or was it the voices swirling around him that led him down, down, down towards the darkness?

A girl leaving home, her parents banishing her permanently. A small, quick wedding with half a dozen attendees, a baby wailing in her mother's arms. Did they make it through the war? A shouting match that turned into screaming, wands drawn and curses firing, one boy leaving, running, crying. A warm hug, two kind voices, the feeling of home. A funeral, arm thrown around his best mate, both awash in tears. It'll be okay. A woman disappearing, presumed dead, hunted to be sure. Black hair peeking out under a white sheet. A child screaming. Where was the child now?

The water closed above his head.

A lanky figure, marred by scars, screaming and crying as the full moon rose in the sky, completely and utterly alone. I'm so sorry Moony. A betrayal, a lie that cost him everything, everyone. A rat of a man standing in the street, dead bodies covered in rubble, being led away in chains and screaming to fill the void in his chest. What had he done? Stepping into the house he can barely breathe, feet pounding on the stairs as he bolts passed the body, stopping at the nursery door afraid of what he'll see inside. A baby cries. Begging, begging to let him keep the boy, carrying him out of the house and cradling him on the front steps, sobbing and rocking back and forth, back and forth, praying this was all just a nightmare. I'll keep you safe.

He gasped for air as his head broke the surface.

'Well, Padfoot? What do you think?' Messy black hair, hazel eyes that said Welcome home, glasses perched above a smile so wide it hurt. 'Isn't he perfect?' Deep red hair escaping a loose bun, sparkling green eyes, a gentle, tired laugh filled with joy. 'Yes. Yes he is.' The bundle was placed carefully in his arms, he smiled down at a baby with his hair and her eyes, promising over and over again I will protect you. Nothing is ever going to happen to you, Harry. I'll be there to keep you safe.

The water was cold, but it was getting warmer. And Sirius Black swam on.