What the heart wants

Chapter 18

Mina's heart breaks in her chest as she sees Chaeyoung's eyes get glassy. The last thing she wants to do is hurt someone she loves.

"Chaeyoungah. Please, talk to me." Mina tries to reach for her hand but Chaeyoung shakes her head and she stops midway.

"I'll be fine Mina. Don't worry about me."

Mina hates herself a little as she watches the younger girl walk away from her, her shoulders sagging like she's carrying an invisible burden on them.

Chaeyoung wonders how she reached the shore. She is pretty dazed and confused.

Her heart aches like something is gnawing at her chest, tearing it's way to her trembling heart. It threatens to eat her alive and leave only scraps behind.

She feels a hand on her shoulder. She glances sidewards and her glance meet Nayeon's understanding eyes. 

Nayeon knows something went wrong the moment she saw Chaeyoung take off the house, wiping her eyes on her sleeves.

"She said no. Why did she have to say no?"

Sobs that's been wreaking havoc inside Chaeyoung's chest releases as she sags against the older girl who has pulled her into a hug.

"Am I not worthy of being loved?"

Nayeon doesn't know how to comfort her. Because she knows first hand how it feels like to not have love reciprocated. She holds her tighter until she feels the sobs die down into soft gasps.

"I'm not giving up on a chance for love. I'm going to fight for us." Chaeyoung says with determination when she finally calms down . Nayeon kisses the top of her head.

Chaeyoung repeats Mina's words to her.

"You're an amazing person and I love you so much but you're my friend Chaeyoung. That's how I always want it to be. Anything else might ruin what we have."

"I think she's terrified that if things don't work out between us, our friendship is going to get ruined. I just need to show her that it's not going to go wrong."

Nayeon doesn't know what to say to that. The younger girl is already hurting but she doesn't want her to have false hopes either.

"Will you talk to her for me?"

Chaeyoung doesn't have to ask twice. Nayeon would do anything to see the younger girl smile again.

" I will." She hugs her closer.

"Promise?" Her voice cracks a little and Nayeon's heart breaks a little as well.

"Promise." She lays another kiss on her head as she holds Chaeyoung tighter.

An awkward silence looms in the van as the girls travel to their destination for the day. Chaeyoung for the first time sits across Mina and not beside her.

Mina wants to reach out to her but she knows she has to give the space the younger girl would want right now. Her gaze often lingers on Chaeyoung who is just staring out the window.

"I don't understand why you said no. It's obvious you both get along great. Is it because she's a girl?" Dahyun inquires the Japanese girl who looks like she's about to break anytime.

Mina laughs dryly. She has an alcoholic drink in her hand, an indulgence she doesn't often take part in. She winces when the strong drink burns down her throat, but she thinks she deserves a little pain. "I'm not that narrow minded Dahyun."

That's all she says and Dahyun realises that's all she's going to get.

They're in a club and they've just finished recording for the fans. Mina pretends to enjoy herself. Chaeyoung forces a smile on her face. Jihyo, Sana and Dahyun act professional. Tzuyu never leaves Jeongyeon's side. Nayeon and Momo are their usual cheerful selves.

Things seems perfect under the watchful lens of the camera , but Mina knows the dynamics of the band has changed and shifted for the worse and she's solely responsible for it.

The guilt slowly eats her up from inside.

"Are you here to tell me how selfish I am as well?"

The other band mates haven't said that directly, but Mina is smart enough to read between the lines.  She understands the implied.

Jeongyeon shrugs her shoulder as she sits by her side on the couch in the living room of their villa. "Were you thinking about yourself while you made the decision?"

Mina shakes her head in negative. "I was thinking about Chaeyoung. She deserves someone who's ready to give their whole heart to her."

"And why can't you be that one?"

"Because I can't give something that's broken." Her voice cracks.

Jeongyeon pulls her into a hug and kisses the top of her head. The younger girl's tears roll down the front of her shirt but she doesn't care.

"Then there's your answer. You aren't selfish."

The words comforts Mina a little even though she believes in the contrary.