Loathing Logan

Hailey

Hailey

  (Flashback to late July)

We sat at the doctor's office. My boys were due to come home in just a few more days, Aaron would have to start soccer practice in just a few more weeks.

I have been having a bit of pain in my left breast. At first, it was bearable, but the pain keeps getting a bit more intense. Like a shooting pain, or as if there was a small needle pricking me in the same spots.

I decided to go in for a mammogram. I was a bit scared, to say the least. My husband has always been very supportive of me, and since the day we were married, we have stuck to our vows. For better or for worse.

I was honest with him and told him about my situation. Though there were no lumps or any visible evidence of anything being wrong, I needed to make such things were ok. That's when my obstetrician gave me the bad news. Soon as she mentioned to me that I should be getting a second opinion and further studies from a mammographer, I knew my answer then.

But I did just that, a few days later.

I had a lump developing in my left breast. It was a good thing we caught it on time, but we needed to go through more studies to make sure it was not cancerous. If it was, we would have to take more tests and get it removed.

I would be lying to you if I said I was not scared; Because in all honesty, I'm scared out of my mind. I don't know how my mom was able to go through all this with a bright smile on her face all the time.

I feel like digging a hole and crawling inside of it and never coming out.

But I must be brave. I can't let my boys and my princess know until I am sure things will work out ok. I have to fight this. I have to put up a brave face.

Luckily, Sophie is not due to return from her trip for another few weeks. I was glad my husband convinced her to take off for the summer. I couldn't bear her being here with me through all this.

She was so close to my mom. She had it the worst trying to recover from her death. Just the thought makes my head spin. I'm not ready to leave yet.

(Early August)

The worst news was when I got the news today. I had a cancerous lump forming int left breast.

The doctor gave me the news this morning. My mind went blank after that. I didn't catch anything else of what he said after that. It all came with a shock.

Millions of thoughts invaded my mind. How could this happen? I was in such great health, I ate good, took vitamins, exercised. Why me? What did I do, to deserve this? Plus millions more.

The more I thought about it, the more recent and anger I felt. I wanted to cry, yell out of frustration, and punch something, throw something. But nothing would erase the fact I had a lump of cancer in my breast.

I went home that day after a few more tests and ultrasounds were taken.

My biggest challenge now was how do I hide it from my kids so that I don't worry them? My husband stayed silent the whole time. Treating me with such care at all times. How would we break this to our kids when the time comes?

In the end, we decided that if it was removable, we'd keep it from them. It would be our little secret and no one would ever know. Maybe it would someday come out but by then, I was already fully recovered.

And so, we began seeing a specialist in New York.

"We have our first meet in a few weeks. The kids will be back by then. We'll just tell them we have an urgent work-related meeting. I'm sure they won't suspect a thing." My husband smiled and sat by me.