Eren's Tainted Rose

ch. nineteen

Eren's green eyes widened, thousands of emotions seemed to swirl in them. His mouth was ajar as he stared at me.

"I love you more," I repeated. "I always have. Even when we were kids."

Eren blinked, "You've always loved me?"

"My whole life," I nodded. "When we were younger, I always knew it was more than just some silly crush. But I never said anything because all of us were best friends and I didn't wanna ruin that. I always felt closer with you than I did with anyone else. So when... when you left me, I didn't know what to do. I beat myself up for years, up until now. I couldn't ever move on, even when you were mean to me. I tried telling myself that I was crazy for still loving you despite everything. I am crazy for it. Part of me felt like I deserved to feel the pain that came with loving you. I thought I did something. I thought this was my karma."

Eren grabbed my hand tightly, "Don't hold back. Tell me everything. Even any negative feelings or thoughts towards me. Say it all, even if you think it'll hurt me. It's okay."

I began to break down, my few tears turning into sobs. I covered my face with my hands, feeling Eren running a hand over my hair to sooth me.

"I hated that you could treat me such a way. I hated myself for loving you through it all, I hated you for doing it. I hated Armin and Mikasa for staying by your side, having to hear your voice and being on the same team as you. I hated seeing you look at me and fighting with you. But I mostly hated how I never really hated you at all. There were days I couldn't even look at myself because of all the self hatred I felt. There were days I wished I died out there."

"Oh, Y/N," Eren sighed sadly. I looked up at him, pools of tears in my eyes.

"I was always so angry with you. I was angry because I didn't have any closure or answers. I was angry because no matter how much I tried to think back on everything, I couldn't figure out where we went wrong. It hurt seeing you with Armin and Mikasa but not with me. I didn't just lose you, I lost them too. I lost my family just like all of you did. I spent so many years with unanswered questions, and when I finally decided to make new friends, you yelled at me for it. You made me feel guilty for trying to move on. God, I couldn't stand you in that moment. I had this constant fear that all my new friends would leave me too, like I didn't deserve to be happy. But when I was with them, they always made me feel included and loved. They made me feel things that I hadn't felt in a long time. I found true friendship again, but you were always there, reminding me of everything I lost. You were a constant reminder of all the pain I'd ever felt. Yet I still loved you," I paused, taking a breath.

"Then Jean came into the picture. He was... he was there, you know? It was his idea to mess around, no strings attached. I did it to forget about you."

Eren frowned, "Did it work?"

"No," I shook my head. "And I feel so guilty for that. Jean is a sweetheart who was always there for me and he never hurt me. I was always the one hurting him and I didn't even know it. I was on and off with him because I couldn't kiss him without wishing it was you. Jean knew I was holding back but he always tried to make me feel comfortable. And I thought... maybe I could love him. Maybe he could love me. But it's been four years and there's not a bone in my body that could ever love him the way I love you. I care for him and of course there's love for him, but not in the way he wants. It's always been you and I've always hated myself for allowing it to remain that way. Because I didn't deserve the shit you did to me. All these years I thought it was me, but it wasn't."

Eren watched me, intently listening to every word I spoke. I grabbed the notebook, looking down at it, avoiding his gaze.

"This right here has letters that I've written to you. I guess we had the same idea," I shrugged, finally looking into his piercing eyes. "Everything I've wanted to say to you since that day. I can't promise it's all good things, because it isn't."

Eren swallowed hard, his Adam's apple bobbing up and down, "I know, Y/N."

I grabbed his hand tightly, intertwining our fingers. His hands were warm and clammy, probably from his nerves getting the best of him. He began rubbing his thumb in circles on my skin, shyly glancing up at me.

"Things aren't totally okay right now. We both know that. It's gonna take some time to fix everything. But I'm willing to try, Eren. I do forgive you. You were just a kid. We both were. As long as you realize now that... your choice wasn't a good one, that's all that matters. As long as you're willing to fix it. That's what I care about right now. Okay?" I held his gaze, making sure he knew I meant everything I was saying.

Eren nodded, "I want to make sure we'll be okay after this. No matter how much it takes. You deserve better, and I always thought you could only get that with someone else. But... I want to be better for you, Rose. I can't see you with horseface anymore."

I laughed at his last comment, and reached up to cup his cheek. He once again leaned into my touch. We sat there, gazing at each other lovingly. Both of our faces were red from tears, and his eyes were still glazing over.

"What's wrong Eren?" my eyes softened.

"I just can't believe I got you back," he said breathily. "I won't mess it up this time, Y/N, I swear I won't."

I wiped the excess tears from his face, "I'm trusting you."

He smiled at me, a true genuine smile. I hadn't seen that directed towards me in a long time. My heart bursted at the sight, nervousness shooting through my entire body. His green eyes dilated as he glanced down at my lips. He began to lean towards me, causing me to get a huge whiff of his shampoo.

"Can I?" he whispered, gently grabbing my chin. I nodded wordlessly, our noses grazing one another. Our chests were moving up and down heavily, our breaths mixing together as we exhaled anxiously.

Then the fucking door bursted open.

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i'm sorry for the long awaited chapter :(( it's kinda short only bc i wanted to update asap for you guys. the next one is gonna be much longer, so don't be mad at me pls :'( 

it'll also have more detail about things & whatnot so don't worry!! ik this chapter kinda sucked but yayyy they confessed :))

love u guys sm