I Love You Just the Way You Are (Book 1- Rock Canyon Series)

Chapter 3 - Maddie

Chapter 3 – Maddie

Oh no, you again? When are you going to get the point?

I briefly entertained fleeing into the backroom as Kellan sauntered up to the register like a King who had conquered some small island nation.

Three weeks had passed since that first day I made lattes for him and the bottle blonde. He'd been in here a few times, sniffing around like a freaking pit bull. The absurd thing was that sometimes she was with him! It was hard to believe he'd think I'd be interested even though it was obvious he had a girlfriend.

And even knowing that it still made it all the weirder to be excited to see Kate Wilson. But at least with her next to him he was subdued, more roving eyes and less crappy pickup lines. I almost found myself giving Kate a little extra whipped cream on her drinks.

But I didn't get carried away ;).

That first night after seeing him, I allowed myself to pretend that I was a cisgender girl while thinking about him. Doing this exercise helped me sometimes when I was struggling to discover what was me and what I thought I should be.

For example, I tended to go overboard with the feminine stuff, like dresses, which I hate but figured they would help me feel more comfortable telling the world what I truly am: a young woman. But when I would ask myself: Maddie, if you were cis, would you wear this? The answer was always: hell, no, you idiot! 

So then I had to square the fact that I was wearing some of this shit for external validation. And that's when I stopped and started living in my skinny jeans again. Gendered clothes can kiss my princess stick. I'll wear what I wanna, mmkay?

Anywho, when I did this mental exercise with Kellan, I immediately knew that I had no interest in him. I didn't want to be chased by a dog who was prone to breaking his leash. If I was to be in a relationship at this time, and that was a monster of an if, I would want to be with someone so loyal that they taped their eyes shut around other girls; so toxically co-dependent that they were instantly in flight-or-flight if they missed a text by five minutes.

I already had hard evidence that this wasn't Kellan.

"Hi, Maddie, how are you today?" the mutt himself said, grinning broadly as he stood across from me at the register. He played with the little hairs of his beard in a way that seemed practiced.

I had to try not to laugh at him. I had come to imagine him wearing one of those silly jester hats that had droopy tentacles with tiny bells hanging off the ends. How could he be so peppy after I had rejected him at least a dozen times? I half expected him to back up and start doing the Charleston to whatever old crap Mark had playing.

"How can I help you, Kellan? Can I get you a drink or reject your advances or both?"

"It'll be both. Get me a large snickerdoodle latte with almond milk because I know you only put hearts in the non-dairy drinks," he said, finishing with a wink that could have  came from my grandpa.

Cringe.

"Huh, so you notice more than my body?" I said, feeling my eyebrow arch in the way it always does when I'm about to get snarky. "I couldn't tell by your constantly moving eyes. Here I thought you were a mindless jock with no personality or awareness." 

Kellan feigned indignation, clutching at his heart, his eyebrows coming together in a knot. "Well, I never! I'm just trying to be your friend. And I seem to be doing an awful job of it."

"Yeah, you really are. You've done nothing but hit on me every time you're in here. What is this, the fourth time I've told you no? It would be impressive if it weren't so absolutely creep. I enjoyed working here until you started bothering me. You think you might wanna stop? A girl told you no, Kellan. First time for everything. Deal with it." I blew a stray piece of hair off my lips and shrugged.

I almost wanted to tell him who I really was so that maybe he'd just leave me alone. But I wasn't ready for the wider consequences of that, so I resigned myself to verbal fencing for the rest of the summer.

I moved to make his drink, but I hadn't heard the credit card machine beep yet. I glanced back to see if he'd paid and had to look twice to make sure it was Kellan. He was hunched over and he looked like a little kid who just had his favorite toy taken away.

Wow, was I that harsh? And was he this sensitive? 

I felt bad but I was tired of playing this game. I knew he wasn't being rude to me; he was just being a guy. A toxic guy, to be sure. But did they come in another wrapper?

And look honestly? I kinda liked the way Kellan was. It was my style. Intense and unyielding. It would have been cute in an alternative universe where he would know the truth about me and still be interested. But I knew I wasn't in that universe; I was in this universe: a place where quarterbacks didn't run around happily dating trans girls.

"I didn't know I bothered you so much. I'm sorry," he said softly as he limped past me toward the pickup station. He sounded genuine so I finished his drink with a heart shape and spared him my usual banter.

I took the drink to the pickup area but kept holding it, waiting for him to meet my eyes. When he did, I almost melted. The contrived bullshit that was always there was gone. He was real in this moment. No pose, no cockiness... just soft pools of brown sugar that I wanted to spend the rest of the afternoon wrapped in.

I glanced down, trying to ignore the sudden ache in my heart. This wasn't the time or the place to let myself feel like this, and it certainly wasn't the right guy. I pushed it down into the pile of all the other feelings I had denied myself. One day I knew they would come charging up and I would have to deal with the mess. I was just glad that it wasn't this day.

Steadying myself, I held his gaze. "Look... Kellan... you're a nice enough person. But I know what your intentions are and the answer is no. You come in here with your girlfriend as often as you come in here alone. You're not fooling anybody. You should honor your commitment to her and stop talking to me. Here's your drink. Have a nice day," I said, dying inside as I returned to the register to serve the next customer.

"She's not my girlfriend," the now soft and infinitely deep voice said slowly behind me. Checking the lid on my feelings one more time, I shot him a quick death glance.

"Have a nice day, Kellan," I said. "Hi, can I help you?"

I couldn't help but notice him slouching away toward the exit as I poured the next customer's latte. I watched him move as if floating past the front windows, still hunched over. 

For some reason, I felt more attracted to him this way. I thought maybe it was because I had defeated him but decided that couldn't be it. I wouldn't want a defeated guy. But I did want an authentic guy. And this was Kellan stripped of the armor and posturing. It was sad–this must have been a new experience for him.

I handed the customer her latte and tried to smile but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I tried to ground myself back in the café by focusing on the smells of the French bread baking in the kitchen, but even that didn't pull me back. All I wanted to do was run home to a warm bath and then crawl into bed.

It killed me seeing Kellan sad, but he wasn't my problem to solve. My problem would be him getting too close and discovering me. Or worse, not realizing that I'm a trans girl who he used to know as somebody else, and then we kiss and he feels me up and... yeah, no. I can't do that to myself.

So, sorry to hurt your feelings, Kellan, but you have got to leave me alone before you figure me out. Stick with your cheerleaders and stop bothering me.

I looked at the long line forming and yelled into the back for some extra help. My shift was only a few more hours, and then I could go home and escape from all this. I planned my music playlist for my post-work bath as I took the next order.