Cold Fame || ENHA

22. Sip

November 28th, 2020

Dinner had finished and now I was in my dorm, staring up at the ceiling in my bed like always. My breath slow and heavy. It was a nice dinner and I really appreciate Jay, Sunoo, and Jungwon for wanting to celebrate my birthday.

Perhaps they arent so bad but as for the other half of the group I'm not sure. I'm not even sure how get close to them. It's not like they want to get close to me since I'm so awkward and they dont want to be around me.

All because I'm mute. Because I dont talk and they cant handle that. It's so unfair. Am I just that much of a burden? Well I suppose so. Well then, I'm sorry. I'm deeply sorry.

I never wanted to be like this. I wasnt like this when younger I swear. I was a happy and outgoing child. It's not my fault things took a turn for the worst. It was out of my control when they lost themselves.

Not sure why I'm apologizing for that, but I am deeply sorry. If theres anyone I should apologize to it's my inner child. I deeply regret what everyone, even me, has done to you dear. You're too sweet and kind to deserve what happened.

I love you honey. Stay strong like you always were. Yes, I know, your tired. You and me both are but we are 2 v 1. We will win eventually, just dont give up. The monster will be dormant someday.

Hold on tight, Jeongmi.

November 30th, 2020

Our debut was released. We've been running around doing performances all day. I'm so exhausted. I've been struggling to breath but I have to fight it. Not like staff would help anyway.

Now we were taking a small rest before having to go on a show and film for about an hour. Heeseung hasnt tried talking to me since the 28th which I'm not complaining about but it feels weird.

Yes he usually ghost me a few days but this time it felt different. A horrible difference. Everything felt so much more awkward around everyone, I'm not sure how to explain it if I'm honest. I just know that I hate it.

I sat in the corner of the dressing room, keeping good distance. Jay had asked a few times if I wanted something to eat. I kept shaking my head no. The food was deeply tempting but I knew I'd throw it up.

I looked on my phone aimlessly, as I didnt really have notifications from anyone. I decided to go on Weverse although I'm scared of seeing more hate. It's scary how many people have no morals.

These are the same people that could be in your family or the ones sitting in a cafe with you, people that walk the streets happily knowing they've said horrible things about people they dont know.

Funny. Very, very, very funny. They act as if idols would care even about their mere existence, maybe that's why they are so mad. Perhaps it's an attention thing, mommy and daddy never gave them enough attention so they choose to gain it negatively.

My parents neglected me but you dont see me talking shit about random people now do you? Well I guess I'm talking bad about those people but they asked for it with they way they act.

Anyway, I go onto Weverse and I decide to why not post a pic. I see the others post quite a lot and I almost never do. I take a few selfies and select the best one and post it. God I hate the way it looked but whatever.

Comments and likes immediately flooded in. 'Our pretty girl!' 'Stan Jeongmi<3' 'Love you hun' 'Jeongmi supremacy' etc. It made me smile. I havent smiled since my birthday dinner.

Yeah it wasnt that long ago but still. Most people smile at least once a day. I'm not sure I'm not 'people'. Then I saw a few negative comments like I was expecting. 'Eww no girly' 'Jumpscare fr..' 'Nah, wheres Heeseung?'