Bad Influence - popular girl x nerd boy

22- Rome

The silence is the worst part.

I know I should be writhing with the wound Lucas left me with, mocking my intelligence as if I haven't told him about the insecurities it sows in me, but I can't bring myself to pretend it's what hurts the most.

I care more about the loss of his presence than any pain he meant to inflict on me.

Although I can count the days we have spent time together on one hand, it feels like a part of me has been cut out of my life. The rare but steady stream of texts and messages we would send to each other has stopped, as well as the small smiles I would see in the hallways of the school. In class, he doesn't look at me, as if the past few weeks were nothing but an assignment. Which is exactly what I told him it was, even though I never meant those words.

In the few days since we sat together in the diner, I haven't heard his voice once, and I didn't realize how much he meant to me until he left me. Until I hurt him so bad any friendship we had grown between us burned into ashes in front of my eyes.

In the moment, I had been so mad at him. The illusion that he respected me and saw me for more than a test I couldn't complete had been torn down, riddling me with questions and fears that almost became crippling. Did he always see me as dumb? Even when he soothed and reassured me, a part of him always considered me pathetic.

Lucas was the one who let me recognize myself, who supported me despite my mistakes or struggles, and he was the reason I was so motivated to do better in school. Because he believed I could.

A part of this still stings, a large part, but I can also see through his words.

Years of handling verbal assault or online bullying has strengthened me and shown me when people were being honest or simply lashing out. Lucas was grasping for whatever pain he could cause, whether or not he believed it.

And no matter what words came out of his mouth, true or not, I deserved them.

Sitting in the diner, enjoying his company like I could with any one else, I had been genuinely happy. My cheeks hurt from smiling, listening to Lucas's stories about work and insisting he come watch a cheer practice one day.

But then someone from the school saw us, and I knew the guilty pleasure was over.

I had chosen wrong. The option was sitting in front of me to bite the bullet, show Lucas how much he meant to me by being honest. It would have been so easy to damn my reputation and enjoy my lunch with the one boy no one would ever aprove of. But I didn't.

Heavy expectations pushed down on me, the reputation I sacrificied everything for slipped between my fingers, and before I could stop myself the words were out of my mouth. The only thing I could think about, the one question repeating in my head, would they like the real me if they knew? Would I like the real me?

It wasn't worth it. Not one bit.

The pain was instant across Lucas's face, his body flinching at my words and his cheeks turning red. He nearly spit out his own insult, wounding me as he intended, before he trampled his way out of the tiny restaurant.

He saved me during the presentation, saved me from Jason and even myself all those weeks ago, and I was the only person he ever needed saving from.

Speaking of the devil, Jason calls me again, my ringer being silence by the touch of my finger while he continues to wait on the other end. The assault of texts and calls has only multiplied every day that I ignore him, and I am starting to realize he doesn't know what the words "We're done" mean.

No matter what happens with Lucas, he left a lasting impact on me. He left a lot, actually, and I don't think I could ever go back to the cruel, desperate girl he found in history class. I could never go back to Jason after knowing that Lucas treated me so much better.